There are so many annoying things that you can do in a library if you see fit. Although I have often spent time in the library myself seriously reading and studying, I still think that life is far too short to waste a good opportunity to make it lighter and to amuse yourself. For this reason I have narrowed my many ways of annoying patrons of a library into an amount which is hopefully memorable, so that you can carry them out without having to print this page and take it with you to the library.

Collect yourself a large pile of books and put them on a reading desk. Don't open any yet. Sit down. Take your time to look around the room and grin at anyone who catches your eye and then tilt your chair onto it's two back legs and rock backwards and forwards. Don't actually fall, but give the impression that you might. People will begin to watch you out of the corner of their eyes.

Next, stop rocking and start scratching. Scratch in your hair and on your body at short intervals. Whilst you scratch make little contented noises.

Then lift your arms. One at a time and sniff under your armpits and pull a disgusted face. Look around you as you pull the face as if communicating your abhorrence to others. Spend some time wandering around people who have seen you and stop next to each one for a while to unnerve them.

Now return to your chair and look at one of the books in the pile. As you read keep saying, "No"! loudly as if surprised. Look around you and silently communicate your surprise to others by raising your eyebrows and making your lips into an oooh shape.

Now apply lipstick to your lips and pick up another book. Open the book and say, "I love it"! and pretend to kiss the page. Do this for some time.

Now develop a gurgling, thick cough. The type that starts with a hacking sound at the back of your throat. Each time you have coughed look around you and loudly apologize.

Time to get up and stretch. Wander about again and this time begin to do all kinds of stretches. Bend down and touch your toes. Reach up for the sky. Do this when very close to others and every now and then glance over their shoulder as if reading their book and say, "Don't bother to read that, it ends badly".

Go back to your pile of books and collect one. Walk up and down the aisle of reading tables and then put your book down somewhere. Go away for a moment. Return and start looking closely at the front covers of everyone else's books saying, "I'm just looking for my book".

Now wander about again, straightening pictures if there are any. Make shadow puppets on the walls if possible. Keep asking people where the toilets are and cross your legs.

Finally, collect your pile of books and put them all back in the wrong places.

Learn more about this author, Heidi Marie Fleetfoot.
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