by Mark Rittmann

Created on: June 11, 2007   Last Updated: January 19, 2009

Walking with Alice through Wonderland

Alice doesn't live here anymore. Okay, I borrowed that line. I have borrowed a lot of things in my life. Some I returned, some remained in my possession, and some I shared, like Alice.

Alice slipped down a rabbit hole, had tea with the Mad Hatter, and fell in love with the Queen of Hearts. After twenty-three years of marriage, my wife discovered she was gay. It was an odd discovery, filled with self-doubt, sins of the flesh, and hope for the past. Through the looking-glass, I plotted and wished for a happy ending. It was not always apparent that would happen.

Hindsight

"Because the trauma is so profound, the process of recovery and transformation is long and arduous, requiring courage, patience and persistence. It typically takes at least a year to resolve the pragmatic issues of damaged sexuality, changed relationship and conflicting parent-spouse roles. Two or more years are generally needed to resolve more complex issues of fragmented identity, family configuration and belief system. All told, it usually takes more than three years to construct a new life and far longer to look dispassionately at the experience."

"Straight husbands tend to suffer more traumatically at first but then recover more quickly than straight wives."

The quotes are from Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., taken from her book, The Other Side of the Closet. God, I was such a wuss.

As I read through the journal I kept as Alice came out, I am struck by how much I vacillated. Friends who have read the material expressed dismay at my hither and yon reactions. "I want to slap her," one said. "She did those things because you let her," was another comment.

Yes, I did let her. I was too busy watering down the eaves to chase the looters. When a spouse comes out a firestorm arrives, and like most in the midst of a firestorm, I was looking to salvage my life.

One misconception I have encountered about a spouse coming out is the belief that it is experienced like any other marital affair. That fails to grasp the emotional turmoil for both partners. I have yet to meet anyone who has come home to find a straight spouse who was involved in a marital affair curled in a fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably, crying, "I'm a pervert. Everyone will hate me. I don't want to be a heterosexual."

Yet that was the scene one afternoon when I came home to discover Alice in the throes of self flagellation after a trip to the gay pride parade in downtown Denver. She was curled up on the floor

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