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CPAP Rumors
My cousin called to talk, something was bothering him.
"Do you know what a CPAP is? Something to do with accountantsCPAsright?"
"No, it is a simple pump that forces air into your lungs while you sleepContinuous Positive Airway Pressure. I use one."
"Do you like it?"
"I love itcured my fibromyalgia, which was caused by obstructive sleep apnea, which was caused by a fat neck."

"How can you love a machine?"
"I do, that's all."
"My doctor told me I need to get one."
"Do it and wear it as a badge of honor."
"Sue is worried about the noise."
"What noise? She prefers to hear you snoring?"
"I also kick and travel the bed at night and sometimes grab her by the neck."
"This will keep you tethered to your side of the bed where you belong."
"What happens if the electricity goes off?"
"You'll have to breathe by hand."
"What?"
"And if there's a tornado, be careful that you don't get whipped by the hose."
"You're kidding me?"
"No, it will also cure your acne, allergies, joint pain, erectile dysfunction and priapism."
"When you wear it, it looks pretty frightening, no?"
"Not if the lights are off. In any case, when you're asleep and dreaming you'll meet a better class of people while wearing your CPAP."
"Can I sleep on my stomach?"
"You can get seasick sleeping on your stomach; the CPAP won't help that."
"Can I sleep on my side?"
"As long as you're lying down."
"What kind of headgear should I get?"
"Nasal pillows."
"What's that?"
"A misnomer."
"C'mon."
"Things you put in your nose to make you sleep."
"I liked your first answer better."
"Right. And if you take it off you have to put it off before you over-inflate the room and go ballooning."
"How do you do that?"
"Push the button."
"In the dark?"
"The hose is long, tell your wife not to get confused."
"She won't."
"Careful you don't trip on it when you get up at night to urinate."
"I can't pee at night either."
"Do I have to wear it when I nap?
"That's a big issue on the internet, google 'see-NAP'."
"A lot of people have a CPAP?"
"A lot. It comes with a carrying case to take on planesyou'll see a lot of folks storing them in the overhead compartment. We form a special club and know each other by that overhead move."
"You talk to each other?"
"Yeah, we compare models to see which one has more ram."
"Really?"
"You want the newest model with the newest operating system, the CPAP 2007."
"What will my grandkids say?"
"That it's the first stage of life support."
"They'll think I'm old."
"I think you're old."

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