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mother can further help him develop self-control by setting a few, basic, limits in what is expected of him in a few outside-the-home settings. If he goes with her to the bank or insurance agent she can explain, "I need to talk to the lady. If you could just sit quietly while I do that we can go the park afterward." Explaining to a preschooler that he can't be running around the restaurant when you bring him out to eat is another way for him to learn to control his own behavior when he needs to. If a child gets too antsy to sit in the restaurant bringing him out to where he can move around for a while can help him learn that he can run around a little if he needs to - just not in the restaurant where hot food is being carried and where grown-ups want to talk. Having a few basic rules about a time and place for anything he wants to do helps him learn that concept of a time and place for different activities. He won't just learn self-control. He'll learn acceptable social behavior. He'll learn that throwing a ball in the living room can break Grandma's nice vase, that running near the fireplace can be dangerous, and that yelling in the library isn't acceptable. He'll learn he can run and yell and jump in any number of places, but not everywhere; and it is in learning that that he will learn self-control.

By beginning with the simplest of limits that yield nothing more than a conditioned response in the very beginning, and continuing to set a few, basic, limits of a "more advanced" nature and limits that are appropriate for a child's increasing understanding and larger world, a mentally and physically healthy child should have no problem with self-control by the time he gets to kindergarten.

Many children today are diagnosed with (and often medicated for) Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The exact cause of each case of ADHD is not
always known, and many people believe children may be being over-diagnosed and
sometimes inappropriately prescribed medication. Parents need to consider that
there is at least the chance that some cases of what appears to be ADHD could actually be a matter of a young child's never forming - in his earlier years - the brain connections needed for focus and self-control.

This is not to suggest that every correctly or incorrectly diagnosed case of ADHD is the result of parents' failings. It is only to suggest that waiting until a child is about to begin school to start thinking about teaching self-control may be too late.

Author's Notes:

1) www.zerotothree.org offers excellent information on the development of synapses in the first three years of life

2) While I gave my grown daughter and two grown sons lots of freedom to play and explore when they were little, I set limits as described above. All three children had exceptional self-control. I don't know if every parent will get the same results by using this approach, but I do know it is the approach that worked extremely well for my own children.

Learn more about this author, Lisa H Warren.
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