by AJ Lat

Created on: June 10, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Welcoming conflict and adversity? You have GOT to be kidding me.

In early February my dear husband was told his kidneys are failing. He has had kidney disease for several years, and we have closely monitored the situation. The weird thing is, we had just been to the doctor a month prior to this and had received an excellent report. But, for some reason and we still have no idea why....his kidney function dropped to 13% in February.

I consider myself a somewhat positive person. I pray the serenity prayer, I know all the buzz words, I am always up with the latest! Yes, of course I have seen The Secret Secret DVD I mean after all I DO watch Oprah, for heavens sake!

Let me tell you though, in the past few weeks I just felt so powerless, hopeless, and uncertain. I would cry often and I got so damn angry at the slightest provocation. In short, I fell apart.

I do love synchronicity... I have rejected Dr Phil in the past year, and am currently a fan of the Dr Keith Ablow Show. While watching Dr. Keith's TV program, and in the middle of this conflicting time...I heard he had a new book out so I headed out to Barnes and Noble and nested, with my Starbucks fat free sugar free cinnamon dolce latte... in the self help section. (I always tell people I have lived in the self help section of Barnes and Noble for the past 20 years but all I have to do is get a call from a family member, or go home for the holidays and I become a ranting, raving idiot again) !

So back to the self help section, I found Dr Keith's book "Living the Truth", and headed home. All I can say is all hell is breaking loose...what is that saying? All hell breaks loose so heaven can unfold. And guess what? I am reveling in every moment of what I am seeing.

I am beginning to see how powerless I have felt with my husband's illness... and that powerless-ness harkened back to all the times I have felt powerless in the past 55 years.
I know, I know, its over...move on! But I have seen how all of these situations from the past, still needed recognition, I had to go there once again...to heal.

What I recognize now is that in the past weeks, I was responding as a powerless child, teenager, and young woman to this situation. Now I see that I am 55, I am a grown up...and I have begun to sort out what I CAN do.
I CAN drive my husband to the doctor appointments.
I CAN make sure he eats within the lines of the required diet.
I CAN encourage, uplift, and just love him.
I CAN see if I am a match to donate a kidney

BUT I cannot

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