by Elaine Sihera

Created on: June 08, 2007

Q. We're both 41, previously married. He has lived with me nearly 2 yrs. Proposed unromantically standing in kitchen with a ring my aunt gave him which was bought from a pawn shop. Thought maybe he's not romantic, but found out he proposed to ex wife with balloons she had to pop to find message inside. Shows he can be romantic. Almost 4 months later he hasn't expressed interest in setting a date. He has done very little for me overall. (Leila)

A. People can only treat us the way we treat ourselves and the fact that you keep comparing how he treats you to his other wife suggests that you are low in confidence and esteem and do not feel good unless you compare yourself to others. But you should not even have been noticing his ex. His proposal, or time spent with you, is not a competition where you are the judge and you have to continually mark his progress for him to be worthy. Time to leave his past an concentrate on your present. That relationship failed so why would you be jealous of her?

From his slow actions, the type of ring he gave you and the way he has done things, it does not appear that he really loves you. I think you sense that but fear losing him too, so you blame him for your disappointment instead of leaving him to his life. We can never change anyone in their behavior. We can only change ourself. I think you might have a decision to make so please stop right there and start again, perhaps in this suggested way.

Ask yourself what it is that you want from this guy, not just what HE wants, but what suits you. It is not about him. It's about you to begin with. If you really care about him, then decide how you wish to be treated. If you seem to be interested in being treated less than the best, that's how he will continue to treat you because all you do is reinforce his actions when you accept them without complaint. You have to set the the boundaries and the standards and those boundaries should have nothing to do with the past or anyone else, but only to do with you both.

Currently you are just noticing his actions but not noticing the negative way you are acting too. Talk to him about the future and, if he still seems reluctant, get out of there. Start believing in you, loving yourself, and deciding what you really want and the right person will come along for you... as night follows day. But you have to know what you want and seek it.

Love is unconditional. It is not dependent upon one person doing anything in particular, and it certainly does not depend upon expensive things or whatever. It depends on what comes from the heart, especially when both parties share commitment, respect and love. It seems that both of you are a little superficial just now and need to go back to the basics of what you really mean to each other, if at all, before you can really talk of a future.

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