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Whether you are selling your owner occupied house, or an investment house, the main goal is to sell quickly, and to "get the money". In the following parody you will learn the best way to not accomplish that. It could be sub titled, "How to Not Sell Your House".

1. Don't worry about trash, extra stuff, or dirt. After all everyone knows a real family lives that way. Never, never pressure wash the outside, clean and organize all areas of the house, or get rid of, or store extra things in a storage unit. Above all, don't get rid of that car on blocks, maybe the new owner will feel it's a bonus.

2. Let the grass grow. Don't replace dead shrubs, plant flowers, or trim trees and bushes. You're not going to be here long,..why bother?

3. The walls are just fine. It adds character to the house, and something to talk about when selling. Susi's endearing artwork, and the hole in the wall from the time Billy threw a baseball in the house. Kids will be kids. Never give the entire house inside and out a fresh coat of paint, in a neutral color.

4. This kitchen, and bathrooms have been good enough for us, they'll be good enough for the next owner. Be careful, don't let the thought even enter your mind to replace faucets, bathroom accessory fixtures, counter tops, or old appliances, lighting, or switch plates.

5. The dog is part of the family too. Never make sure you can't smell dog when you walk into the house. Also, when people are viewing the house let him run around inside. Everyone loves him. Never use the following scents: baking bread, sugar cookies, or cinnamon. Those people that say these scents will connect the emotions to the home, are just crazy anyway.

Learn more about this author, Kathleen Couch.
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