by Sumithra Sharatkumar

Created on: June 06, 2007

Death - the very word creates a certain amount of anxiety and unrest in most of us. Despite being the one thing that is certain to occur in the lives of all of us who were ever born, it is the one thing that most of us ardently avoid, until it walks into our doorstep.

The passing away of a loved one may sometimes be totally sudden and unexpected, as in the case of an accident, murder, heart-attack etc. Or sometimes it may be the end of a long-drawn and prolonged illness. Either way, death, when it comes, is still an unwelcome visitor who often leaves behind a mixed-bag of emotions in the survivors.

Recently, I lost my mother, and it was quite sudden. She just lay down for a nap, slipped into a coma and passed away. It was all very peaceful and painless for her, but it unleashed so much grief and and so many emotions in all of us. The sense of shock and disbelief, followed by a very deep sadness, accompanied by guilt and remorse, laced with nostalgia......... The whole thing has been an endless conundrum of emotions, which I would not have experienced, otherwise.

A lot of people think that the best way to handle the passing away of loved ones is to distract oneself, keep busy or opt for a change of scene. But I consider this to be an opportunity to actually feel the emotions we hold for the dead, as intensely as we possibly can. Grieving is the last link that exists between the dead and the living and it should not be severed in a hurry. When the process of grieving is left incomplete, it results in more emotional damage than good. So whatever be the feelings that may come up - numbness, disbelief, anger, sorrow, relief, guilt, nostalgia or acceptance - experience them fully, as that is the final honor we can pay for the departed.

The experience of the passing away of a loved one is inevitable in our lives. If we live long enough, we are bound to experience this sorrow a few times in our lives. By the same token, we will, someday be inflicting the very same grief on people who love us.

Death must be viewed not as a final ending, but as a landmark point in the continuum of life. Only then can we begin to love and respect our loved ones when they are alive, to grieve and honor them when they die and to gracefully accept the inevitability of this phenomena of life and death.

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