To my "real messy beautiful twisted sunshine"

Here I go again rekindling supposedly buried and forgotten emotions. Just realizing now that maybe, the reason for all my hatred on him and everyone he's associated with, stems not really from the fact that he rejected me, but more from the idea that I've tried and tried my hardest to love him.

I admit that I was and still am more than slighted everytime my efforts got belittled, misinterpreted, unappreciated. Like I've tried so hard to keep in touch with him to console my orphaned feelings, my deep longings; but he just couldn't understand that. To him, the calls and messages were nuisance because he's got better things to do. I respect that, but I just needed you to make me understand. Yes, you don't have a responsibility to explain anything to me; but maybe I didn't need your explanation. I only needed to hear your voice. That even a "no" from you telling me to stop because you were in the middle of your duty would be fine to keep my sanity, to ease my paranoia. And it's not like I didn't notice you were avoiding my calls and rejecting my messages. I wasn't dumb and numb. Just acting like one maybe in my effort to understand you, again hoping that someday you'd appreciate it. Hoping you'd realize that I will always be there for you. I was stubborn like that.

Even after telling me to stop and go, even after all the hate blogs against you, even after all that's been said and unsaid, all that's been done and undone, even after putting you behind, none of the feelings ever changed. Not a bit.

Like last christmas and new year after the confrontation, I may have not called to greet you, but in my heart and mind all those times, I was praying for you and your family.

Like on your pin and ring ceremony, I called in sick at work that day because I didn't sleep a wink thinking about your special moment, and how I am dying to be there and witness you happy and partly fulfilled.

Like on your graduation, I texted to congratulate you. And though I wasn't really expecting a reply, but I was just hoping you've at least smiled when you've seen a message from me. I almost... almost went home to Zamboanga that time.

Like for your pre-birthday, I prepared a slideshow to make some sort of a tribute for you. I didn't sleep then went to work the next day.

Like on your birthday, I called to wish you well. You don't have any idea how many times I've deliberated in my mind whether to call you or not.

Not a heartfelt thank you. Not a decent word from you when I called. No answer to the message. Just a forced "mmm" when I called.

I still am being stubborn, I guess. Sucks! And the worst part of it all, I only have me to blame... For having tried and still trying so damn hard... Not knowing when or how to stop... Like you want me too.

Like now, I'm thinking how you're doing with the review, if you need help, if you need a pep talk of some sort from someone who's been there and done that. But I could only think so much. I could only pray so much at night for your success. All because you wouldn't let me do more than that.

I still wish you well... My "real messy beautiful twisted sunshine".

Learn more about this author, Jenilee Awichen.
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