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by Melissa Holroyd

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Mother May I?: Parents' Subconscious Influence on their Daughters' Attitudes towards Body Image

We live in a perfectionist's society, where women want something pushed up, pumped up, or suctioned up while the media flashes images of airbrushed faces and bodies. No wonder almost 5 percent of American women struggle with eating disorders. The media has been a convenient scapegoat. And while the media does deserve blame for contributing images of unattainable "beauty," we must look closer to homeliterallyto find more influential causes for such a discouraging increase of eating disorders.

Of course genetics must not be ignored. Many young women develop eating disorders because they have genetic predispositions to the disease. However, many develop eating disorders on the other side of the nature vs. nurture debate. Parents who take special care to nurture their daughters' measure of self worth and self love might be able to curb even a genetic propensity.

Though I never struggled with anorexia or bulimia, I did develop what is known as a subclinical eating disorder in high school. I monitored my food consumption, always considering the amount of calories in each bite. During class, I would add up the day's caloric intake and plan the rest of the day's allowances based on how much I planned on exercising. I would also experience intense feelings of guilt if I indulged in cookies or other sweets, frustrated at my lack of willpower.

Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders, Inc. (ANRED) describes people with a subclinical eating disorder as being "too much preoccupied with food and weight." Their eating and exercise habits aren't normal, but their behaviors don't qualify for a formal diagnosis such as anorexia or bulimia. My diet and exercise habits weren't healthy because I obsessed about them. Influences in my life may have contributed to such unhealthy attitudes towards body image. I remember my father telling me that "I needed to watch my girlish figure" whenever he saw me eat sweets. When the low-carb craze swept America, he'd tell me, "You know that makes you fat," whenever I'd eat toast for breakfast. Last summer he saw me in a sexy dress and told me how great I looked in it. Before finishing the compliment, he advised, "You gotta stay skinny like that to wear it." And I do try to stay skinny like that.

One night over a bottle of wine, my best friend Michelle and I discovered how alike our fathers are. They are infatuated with beautiful women and want us to be just like them. Michelle doesn't know if she has a genetic predisposition for anorexia and bulimia. Regardless, her father's insensitive remarks might have forced it to the surface. Now 23, Michelle recalls when, in the fourth grade, her father offered to buy her one new outfit for every five pounds she lost. To this day the offer still stands. She remembers her father's patronizing comments at the dinner table when she would reach for a second helping: something like, "Michelle, do you really need that second piece?" Like my father, Michelle's father thought micromanaging her food decisions would push her to lose weight. Instead, it sent her spiraling into fits of binging and purging.

But I'm not trying to blame fathers for driving their daughters to eating disorders. Rather, I'm exploring the possibility that family, in general, has the potential to influence the onset of eating disorders. As I grew into a young woman, like most girls, I looked for examples of womanhood, and my mom was the closest model. Though my mother never weighed more than 128 pounds, she always poked and prodded in the mirror, pointing out her "bulging" imperfections. My grandmother wasn't exactly a perfect model either. She is always on a diet and is always commenting on who needs to be on a diet in the family. Whenever I'd visit Grandma, I received plenty of compliments on how thin I looked if I was in fact thinner that year.

Grandma, like many others, focused on my appearance upon first seeing me, rather than asking how I felt or how I liked school. The everyday rhetoric society uses to complement women, and men, primarily focuses on image. "You look great" is a common greeting that, on the surface, seems harmless, but sends the message that you're focusing on a friend's looks, and can even make them feel self-conscious. Image comments like this have become so mainstream in society that we accept the importance and esteem physical image holds in our culture. When asked why she feels eating disorders are so pervasive today, Michelle said, "Society around us makes losing weight such an accomplishment."

Ideally, the parental goal is to shelter their children from society's backwards attitudes. But when parents shareusually subconsciouslypopular culture's oblique values, they often fail to realize how they might influence their child's self-esteem. Instead, parents can foster a healthy concept of image in their children by modeling genuine self love.

My godmother, Kristy, has made an honorable effort to ensure that her daughter does not obsess about body image in the future. For the first ten years of her daughter Makenna's life, Kristy was 40 pounds overweight. But Kristy never mentioned the word "fat" in front of her daughter. In Makenna's eyes, Mom was "perfect and beautiful." Kristy never wanted her daughter to develop a skewed sense of beauty, accepting society's definition of beauty as thin and frail. Kristy recalls when one day Makenna came home from the fifth grade and said, "Mom, I need to go on a diet." When Kristy asked her why, Makenna replied, "My tummy is fat."

Realizing that Makenna's peers had ushered her into the concept of fat, Kristy looked at Makenna and told her, "Honey, you're not fat at all. You're perfect." If I, or millions of other young girls, had heard that I was perfect in my own frame, I might not have thought otherwise. Better yet, I might have been able to disregard the pressure put on girls to be thin from magazines, television, and even peers. What Kristy did, and what many other mothers have the potential to do, is instill early on in her daughter a sense of confidence and satisfaction with who she is. Now in her early teens, Makenna has a healthy body image. While other girls her age are conscious of themselves in a bathing suit, Makenna runs around the pool deck without feeling the need to cover up her body.

Even though Kristy battled with her own weight, she never allowed Makenna to see her struggle. She never stood in front of the mirror cursing her curves. She never pushed food away, sneering, "That will just make me fat." Instead, she exuded confidence, and if she did have frustrations with food or difficulty with self-control, she never let Makenna witness those attitudes.

My thin and fit friend does let her daughter witness unhealthy attitudes towards body image. Carrie had battled anorexia and bulimia for years. After years of therapy and psychiatric treatment, she no longer struggles with the evils of binging and purging. However, roots of the disease still linger, and she still pays close attention to her weight. Following a strict diet with little variety, Carrie realizes that her daughter sees her abstain from eating sweets. When she noticed her daughter, Emma, refusing to eat "yummy" foods at only four years old, Carrie sought advice from a child psychologist. Carrie concedes, "I don't know what kind of message I'm sending Emma when I go run ten miles and don't have a slice of pizza with her." Fortunately for Emma, Carrie is seeking advice early on so that she may prevent her daughter from developing an eating disorder, which, considering her heritage, she might already be predisposed to.

The best cure for Emma would be a healthy mother, one who models confidence and security with self like Kristy. Carrie has battled a messy disease for years, fighting for control over how she looks. Her method of weight management now makes her feel in control, allowing her to manage other areas of her life. If she's not ripping herself apart in the morning for eating Rocky Road ice cream the night before, she can use that energy to study for a class she's taking at the local community college.

Obsession manifests itself in many forms. One of my college roommates, Lauren, grew up with a mother who never felt comfortable in her own skin. Every time, sometimes every year, she felt she needed to lose weight, Lauren's mom had liposuction. She treated every minor "imperfection" with invasive surgery, including breast lifts and risky chemical peels to erase wrinkles on her face. Continuous exposure to a mother who visited her doctor every time she wanted to "fix herself" showed my roommate that bodily perfection was worth striving for. Lauren admits to having battled anorexia and bulimia for the past twelve years. Reaching for perfection pushed her mother to drastically alter her physiology. Rather than watch her mother reduce calories and increase exercise, which even though obsessive do resemble healthy habits, Lauren witnessed a mother who made a habit of surgery to carve her ideal image.

Accepting societal pressure to obtain the "perfect" image, mothers like Lauren's pass the need to their daughters. Carrie has the opportunity to nurture young Emma's potential to mature into a healthy young woman. However, since Carrie still desperately strives to obtain society's standard of beauty, she isn't modeling self-love. Bringing the manufactured picture of "beauty" into the home, these mothers validate society's picture of the ideal woman. But if mothers aren't purposely striving for perfection, they can still validate society's perception of beautiful with loose language. If a daughter witnesses her mother inspecting virtually undetectable fat pockets and claiming that she desperately needs to lose weight, Mom has unknowingly affected Daughter's attitude towards body image. Over time, Mom's negative behavior towards her body builds up in Daughter's mind, until, gradually, she develops unhealthy attitudes about her own image. Were it not for my own mother's overly critical attitude, I might have developed healthy habits and attitudes. When a father comments on how fabulous a celebrity looks after a new breast augmentation and losing twenty pounds from an already thin frame, his daughter is absorbing his concept of beautiful. She might, then, believe that she needs large breasts and an emaciated frame to look beautiful. But if parents try to reverse society's backwards concepts, daughters might grow into confident young women, happy with the skin they wear.

Learn more about this author, Melissa Holroyd.

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