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don't know better at their age. I used to think maybe it was because they weren't as smart as me, but I'm not the only kid who understood. We all knew it, so it has to be something more than just being smart. I still don't know why they really put me in there. Maybe God put me there so I could save Lil' Sis that night from Mom. Maybe there isn't really a God and that's why there are foster homes to begin with. I don't know. I'm just a kid.

I wish all the grownups in the world knew how it felt to be treated "worse than a pile of dirt", I felt like I would die if I didn't have next Tuesday. If they really truly knew how it felt, then there wouldn't be any bad homes.

I know that's true, because when I grow up, I'm going back. I am so I can save a foster kid whose being hurt like I was, because it's not fair for kids' wishes not to come true.

My Mommy explained that the kids, who turned mean, didn't have a day like my Tuesday Visit Days. Visit Days there are like resting days, like landing on free parking in monopoly.
Yeah, my mean foster brothers didn't have Mommy's to hug them and leave perfume on their shirts. That's why they were mean, because they didn't understand the first 6 days because everyday is the same as the day before. And on the 6th day, they didn't hope for one more sweet-smelling whiff because they didn't have a Mommy to visit tomorrow. Nobody tells kids like me what I'd have to do to survive when they put me in there, or that I would have to protect Lil' Sis, especially on the cord night. I wish she could've come home with me. I'd protect her forever even though I'm not green and covered with muscles, but to her I was.

I tell God thank you every night for letting me go home, I don't care if he really is real or not, because to me, he is.
Then it happened I screamed again I screamed just like I did in foster care.

My Mommy had never heard me scream since my new life, but one night I heard on TV on the news that they found her and she was dead. They said she was tucked away for bed, and wearing a white shirt. It was Lil' Sis, and she was wearing the same shirt I gave her. They said she was holding a rock with a bible verse on it.
The news people said the foster parents were in shock and had no idea what happened. They said she had tried to run away the night before but they had found her and brought her home and when no one was looking, she drank some kind of poison.

No!
No!

I never thought I would scream again after I got home and my Mommy just grabbed me and hugged me and pulled me close to her. It was the first time I was held while I screamed, and it felt weird at first but then it felt better. When I stopped screaming, I told Mommy that Lil' Sis was running away to find me. Mommy believed me even though I didn't tell her how I knew; I guess it was my screams. I didn't have to tell her that I didn't think she drank the poison herself, or that her death was an accident. That night I wanted to tell Mommy everything, but I didn't.

Lil' Sis was one of the really little foster kids and I wish she could have lived with me but instead she died. Mommy held me all night, and I remembered how Lil' Sis would ask if she could "smell the yummy flowers" on my shirt because she didn't have a real Mommy. I wish she could have met mine.

I curled up as tight as I could in Mommy's arms that night and thought about how Lil' Sis would never know how good it felt to be held by a real Mommy, but at least she knew what a real Mommy smelled like, and it always made her smile.

I loved watching her eyes that were so big when she smiled each time.

I loved being home in my Mommy's arms. It felt so good and for the first time in my new life, I almost forgot what day it was.

Learn more about this author, Molly Murphy.
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