by Bruce Pilgrim

Created on: May 27, 2007   Last Updated: May 29, 2007

Traveling on business is kind of like taking a vacation at home there's a lot less to it than you might think. On business, you get to stay in nice hotels, but not long enough to enjoy them. Sometimes you go to interesting cities, but all you really see are airports, highways, and conference rooms. And, for every great meal you happen to get, there are dozens of miserable dietary experiences.

I have no idea when I will have the opportunity to travel on business again, but I would just as soon skip it.

Let's start with the airport.

The good news is that people without tickets are no longer allowed in the terminal. This makes things less crowded, and also makes getting off the plane a whole lot less annoying. I used to dread "deplaning" into a gate jammed by idiots who were greeting Aunt Martha with signs, balloons, and glitter.

The bad news is that it now takes Aunt Martha an hour to get through security because, among other things, she doesn't quite grasp the idea that she will be asked to show her ID and boarding pass multiple times. So, we wait while she fishes it out, every time she is asked. And it is anybody's guess how many times she'll go in and out the metal detector area with a purse full of items that scan as weapons.

Since it seems clear that the security is hip to Al Queda's evil plan to use old ladies to attack us, I say give Aunt Martha and her entire demographic their own line so the rest of us can go through while you search the old bags. (And their luggage.)

For those of you who have not been to the airport recently, a display case has been erected outside security showing things you are no longer allowed to carry on the plane with you. To save you embarrassment you can do some advance planning by avoiding the items below.
o Chainsaws, handsaws, band saws, or Sawsalls,
o Machetes, samurai swords, Claymores, or scimitars,
o Blasting caps, dynamite, plastique, or other explosives
o Assault rifles, automatic weapons, Uzis, or hand guns
o Howitzers, mortars, grenade launchers, or surface-to-air missiles
o Portable meth labs, mounted swordfishes, or lawn tractors
o Almanacs

After you get through security, you head for the "gate" or "concourse" area, pulling your miniature u-haul trailer behind you. And, here's more good news: the airport dining and shopping experience has been significantly upgraded.

In the past, if you were hungry, your only options were vending machines or "The Flightline Caf," a scary little place that offered a very small selection

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