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Tips for Dealing with an Alcoholic Spouse

If you have an alcoholic spouse, you don't need to hear the long list of offenses, insults, inconveniences, embarrassments and injuries you've doubtless already suffered. You already know it's a dreadful condition.

But is there anything, you wonder, that you can do about it?

I've been there, done that, even got the tee shirt. And I have some practical and useful tips for maintaining your sanity, bankbook and person intact.

1) My first tip is one you need to internalize: Know that this has nothing to do with you, the quality of your love, or what you have or have not done. As they say in the 12-step group Al-Anon, "You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it."

I know the feeling of guilt...If only I had/hadn't______(fill in the blank),"He wouldn't be drinking right now." That's just not true. The alcoholic, always eager for an excuse to drink, may pick fights, find fault, and outright blame you. Day in and day out, that can wear a person down.

Alcoholics drink because they are mentally ill and lack the physical ability to properly metabolize alcohol. Period.

2) That brings me to Tip #2: Take care of yourself. And the best way you can do that is to go to an Al Anon meeting, preferably several times a week. It's completely anonymous, extremely supportive and healing.

I can hear you now: "S/he's the one with the problem: why should *I* have to go get help?" Well, it is a paradox. Without knowing it, we who are married to drinkers have gradually, almost imperceptibly, become sick along with the drinker. All that abuse and chaos! We need to help ourselves before we can be of help to anyone else.

Strangely enough, I have witnessed situations where the drinker got sober after the spouse had been going to Al Anon for a while. As the spouse got better, the situation improved. Being a powerful force of example, the alcoholic is stripped of his or her denial, and becomes willing to try sobriety. Don't bet on it, but don't discount it either.

3) My tip #3 is "Remove the Victim." Do not stand there and take it. Walk away. Go for a drive. Run an errand. Do not try to argue with or reason with someone who is inebriated. By definition, somone who is intoxicated is incapable of reasoning or judgment. Again, you are complaining "Why should I have to be the one who runs away?" or "I'm not going to let that drunk run me off."

Well, sometimes we have to do what we have to do temporarily until the storm is past. You wouldn't complain that a tornado or tidal wave is not going to scare you off, would you? A Drunk is a Force of Nature.

4) Tip #4 could be Tip #1 for some folks: If the alcoholic is abusive, get out. Put the kids and the family dog in the car, and go. Violence *always* escalates. It never subsides. Once you're on the roller coaster of physical abuse, it is very tough to get off. Battered wife/husband syndrome is also something I have experienced. It's almost like being under a spell. You come to believe there is nothing out there for you; that you are undesirable and unworthy, and deserving of the abuse. Once you're in that lonely place, getting out is next to impossible.

If the alcoholic raises his or her hand to you, they will do it again, and harder the next time. Don't kid yourself.

I'm not going to give you the advice to divorce, or separate, or anything else of that nature. Each situation is unique. Giving advice is dangerous and foolish. If divorce is something you wish to do, it is certainly one way to get out of the situation if you find it intolerable. But for those of you who can't leave; again, take care of yourself, try to find a support group, remove the victim and if there is abuse, don't walk; run!

Learn more about this author, Alycia Keating.
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