by Jane Allyson

Created on: May 26, 2007

Rebuilding trust in a marriage takes determination, sensitivity and a great deal of bravery. To rebuild the trust that has been stripped from a marriage after infidelity is hard and to carry on with the relationship and build anew you will need to find the capacity to forgive. You can never forget but after a time of healing ,when the pain and hurt has diminished a little, forgiveness is the only way to move on.

Forgiveness doesn't come easily. Your trust has been abused in a terrible way. After the initial hurt and feelings of devastation you will start to have feelings of great bitterness and anger. These are normal and is part of a grieving process. After all, what you and your partner had was something special, and that special bond has gone now. It has died and must be mourned for as the loss it is and then it must be replaced with something else.

Some marriages don't survive this initial stage. Some partners find that they cannot deal with this cruel abuse of their trust and although a marriage may stagger on for a while, without the act of forgiveness misery turns to bitterness and bitterness turns to anger, suspicion, and hate.

Part of the healing process is being able to talk it through with your cheating partner. Ask them some important questions such as, is the infidelity an isolated incident? Do they feel remorse and feel bad about their behavior? Do they accept and appear to be affected by how much hurt they have caused you? Are they sorry for making the wrong choice, or sorry they got caught? Are they willing to work at building a new relationship or is this likely to happen again? These are many of the questions that need to be asked.

The cheating partner should understand that you are going to need a lot of support and reassurances in the time of coming to terms with what has happened. If they are willing to help you and be sensitive to your feelings and give consideration to your insecurities in the early days of rebuild, then you may have a chance.
Ultimately , the thing that the wronged party have to ask themselves is whether they can ever trust again. And if they did find the capacity to trust what would happen if the partner cheated again. You have to ask yourself what it would do to you emotionally if it happened a second time? Would you have the strength and courage to recover from it again?

If you can answer yes to this question then it is time to move on. Give each other time to adjust to the situation. Take time to sit down with each other

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