by Furry Monster

Created on: May 25, 2007

MOMENTS

I am alone, pondering the small moments that I unrepentantly enjoy. Let's take for example, that all I did this weekend was over exert my body in all forms of self punishment... running, badminton, swimming, tennis and power walking, which has taken over my waking moments. I can not seem to stop this madness. The mere obsession with distraction is becoming my only purpose in life, yet I dislike exercise to the point of nausea but I can not stop, somebody please wake me up from this nightmare that has becoming my living hell.

Hey, not to worry. I am being slightly over dramatic; life is not much fun without some drama. Right? I have just been enlightened. I don't need to numb my senses in this way- I can instead go roast myself on the beach for endless hours. After my skin baking session I can focus my energies on the burning sensation that can not even handle the slight rub of the thin fabric of my night shirt. In a sadistic way, I enjoy watching the horror on; what looks like my face but seems like I am looking at a totally different person. It is my reflection. My usually pale skin is sore, patchy and glaring red. I stare at my obese, disfigured frame for a long moment, which feels like eternity. When the peeling begins I can start this cycle all over again.

I know it may sound a little demented to others, however to my over active mind it makes immense amount of sense. It numbs my emotions, and drowns out the thoughts whirling around in my head. It crushes the need to find a purpose and to fulfill my objective in what I feel like is a wasted existence. In a strange kind of way I am truly happy and grateful that I am no longer what I used to be but more importantly I do not know who the hell I am. This process of learning is a long one. It requires patience, which sometimes eludes me. Like right now, I am impatient. I want answers. I want to know where my destiny is leading. I crave for an objective, for the difference that I am meant to make. I long for moments, which I can cherish in a normal, healthy way. I must feel alive, I must feed my soul. I must find moments of love, which will consume my being and awaken my dead soul or I must stop wanting, yes this damn wanting.

When this moment is over, I know that I can be patient. I do not even believe in love anymore. I am too weary and too addicted to self control to let myself be free. I know that in all honesty I can no longer go there so I do not understand my moments of madness, especially the cravings for love; perhaps it's just all about lust? In my heart, I know that I have a purpose. It may only be restricted to making a small difference by being in your life so I should not search so hard. These moments are the most important ones, they are the ones I should cherish because I know that those who surround me- ultimately care as much as I do. They understand me for what I am and what must be.

One day, the void will be filled. I will fill it.

Moments, are what we make them. They define our existence. They grace us with small fragments of happiness, love, ecstasy and freedom. I am free; I just have to wake up with faith. These moments will pass. I will only remember the special ones.

I feel like dancing the night away. Come, dance with me under the stars. Free yourself, with me.

Learn more about this author, Furry Monster.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.