by Elizabeth Vaughn

Created on: May 25, 2007

Love is based around a friendship. Without a healthy friendship, you cannot have a healthy relationship. Most relationships fail because they neglected the initial friendship, or one never existed to begin with. Therefore, how can you possibly be friends after you've broken up?

My boyfriend now was friends with a few of his ex's until very recently. Let me share with you what his story was like, and you tell me if it was healthy or not.

He was engaged to her at a point, and the relationship decayed into something very awkward and strange, and they broke up. It wasn't a violent, mean or angry break up. It was pretty much agreed upon by both parties they should break up. So, they continued to be friends.

While he was in the army, she sent him letters about how she missed him, and she couldn't wait to see him again. As a friend, of course, but there was a hint of love in it. All friendships have some type of love in it, so it could have been taken as friendship love or as relationship love. He just accepted it, and when he came back home, he would investigate it further.

When he came back, though, he found out she had slept with one of his best friends, then started dating another of his best friends (he had three- now he barely has one), but was still sleeping with the first friend. He figured since they were all friends, he should let this slide because he wasn't with her romantically anymore anyway. She eventually ended up getting married to the second friend at the end of last year.

He was actually the best man in their wedding! The woman he wanted to marry just a few years before, and his best friend, actually had the nerve to ask him to be best man! It hurt him very badly to watch the wedding be planned and executed, but he figured, he was just a friend, right? It wasn't his place...

When I started dating him, I had issues of my own with my recent ex trying to stay friends with me. I told my ex I would NEVER be able to be friends with him because of the past we shared. But, I was trying to just be friends with my boyfriend (who I had dated in the past, and we had parted ways for silly reasons), and we were getting closer than I anticipated. Then, around December, his ex started calling his cell, writing him emails, writing letters to his house, and even calling his parent's house!

Because of my past experiences, I let him decide what he decided, but I had already set in my mind it was either her or me. I don't believe in ex's as friends. I don't need that kind of stress again, so I let him choose for himself without my influence. He chose to end the friendship.

It doesn't end there. After the calls ended (which ended a bit violently considering he never spoke to her, so she was very upset about not getting her way), we found out she was seeing his other best friend, the first one she was sleeping with. We know she had cheated on her husband with him before they were married, and there's a good chance she cheated on him again with the same guy.

The kicker is, neither of his friends would have had the chance to get involved if the relationship had actually ended when it ended. Because she was a friend, she went to the same functions his friends did, and they hooked up from there.

So, friends after dating? No. I know this is a bit extreme for most of them, but none of them tend to end up well. I admit there might be exceptions, but I've never seen it happen. It's just prolonging the misery and digging the knife further into yourself. It's not worth the pain to keep the potential "friend". There's enough other people out there to be friends with to justify the loss.

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