by Jessica Merkle

Created on: May 25, 2007

Kneeling on the bathroom floor, I stared at the former contents of my stomach, floating around in a pool of vomit and blood, then flushed. I rested my throbbing skull down on the cold rim of the toilet seat, waiting for the trembling to pass. Habitually, I closed my eyes and counted to one-hundred. After I hit the number 99, I felt it was safe to rise, slowly as to not lose consciousness. I flushed the toilet one more time for good measure.

"Bulimia is an eating disorder characterized by bingeing and purging," said psychotherapist Susan Delfi of Hearthstone Family Practice. "Typically, those who suffer from the disorder go undiagnosed because of their secretive practices."
As I splashed cold water from the faucet on my face, a tingly sensation passed through my body, giving me a higher than life numbness. Relaxation set in and I began to feel back in control of my life, everything would be alright and I could accomplish anything.
My name is Jessica and I am a bulimic.

Perfection has always been a valued attribute in my family. Despite the fact that perfection is unattainable by any human being, it was something my father expected me to deliver on a daily basis.

Why didn't you get an A, Jessica?

Why didn't you get the lead role, Jessica?

Why aren't you valedictorian, Jessica?

Why are you eating that, Jessica?

As a young, impressionable girl, I heard "You aren't thin enough, Jessica" and thus began my descent into the dark abyss that is an eating disorder.

At age 11, I began my first starvation diet. One day, I sobbed hysterically because my legs were pudgy and I didn't look like the woman on television who had the long, lean, tanned legs. She was the picture of perfection in my eyes and I made the decision that I would look like her at any cost. I would be thin and perfect just like her.

Instead of skipping rope and drinking lemonade like normal eleven year olds, I began furiously riding my stationary bike and obsessively sipping Diet Cokes. My grandmother had a library full of Jane Fonda exercise videos and calorie-counting books and I snuck upstairs when we visited her to copy down figures into my little red calorie counting notebook. I could tell you the caloric content of virtually any food imaginable as well as the color of Jane Fonda's spandex in her first "Shapely Buns and Thighs" video.

"I used to wonder why such a young girl was so interested in my Jane Fonda videos," my grandmother, Culli Iotta explained. "I used to let her take them home with her, but I had

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