by Alexander

Created on: May 25, 2007

It's OK to Leave Things Behind

We all begin the journey with a close friend on our side. But Father Time travels quickly as we age, and one mere year no longer seems like a long and bitter struggle. Bitter, perhaps, but not long, and we grow to resent this. And the truth is that most of us would ironically bear the burden all over again if only we could taste the pain just a little longer, savor the sweet smells of jealousy and longing just one more time. And this time, we tell ourselves, we'll be more conscious of the ephemeral tides and work against them. We will win, we tell ourselves, because that's what we were born to do. Win.

But we don't win. We lose. We all lose a lot of things, like friends and family and jobs. And in the end, we all lose the same contest. Unfortunately, life is not a fair game. The only game we do win is the opening gambit of conception, a Darwinian race in which we beat out millions of other little warriors that are all racing toward the finish line. We all win this game because if we didn't, we wouldn't be here to lose the endgame.

When I think about this natural course of events, sometimes I laugh. Other times I want to cry. If we began the race with the understanding that the endgame would inevitably be lost, would we even begin the game in the first place? I'm not sure of the answer.

When my grandmother was battling cancer a few years ago, I think we both understood she was dying. But we never told each other. Why didn't we? The question seems so simple, but why isn't the answer just as simple? I remember our last supper together at Pizza Hut. Oddly enough, the memory that strikes me the most is the bill she offered to pay. But the price she paid was nothing compared to her final checkout just days later. It must be interesting to view life from such a lonely perspective. She knew the endgame was lost and offered a meaningless twenty-dollar bill she couldn't take with her anyway.

I also remember our final days together in the house on the hill. I dug up a cane for her in the closet because she was growing quite weak. Most of her days were spent in bed or in the bathroom. But even at the end, she was just as playful. One day I returned home from work, and she started chasing me around the house with the cane like a deranged old woman. We both laughed with each other. I said something humorous and stupid, and she looked at me like all grandmas look at their grandsons. All differently, yet all the same.

When I think about all those tears I shed at her funeral, I also think about all the laughs I had with her in spite of it all. And in a way, I guess I am glad I won that opening gambit because if I hadn't, I would never have been able to lose.

Someday we're all going to consciously reach the endgame. There is nothing new or unique about the experience. Countless individuals have gone through the same rite of passage. We'll all have to say goodbye to family and friends who helped shape us into the losers we are. We'll have to concede the fact that no matter how quickly we swam to beat out countless other denizens of the womb, we were born to lose.

Sole victors though we were at a distant time in the past, we find it difficult to understand we are dying. As difficult as it may be, we need to know that it's OK to leave things behind. After all, that's what we were born to do.

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