by Kate Tinsman

Created on: May 24, 2007

Is it appropriate to yearn for loneliness? In the same breath, is it also possible then to be incredibly frightened of it?

I know I am amongst many in similar situations. I am a stay-at-home mother. I do just that. I stay at home with my two very young boys. I am awakened by the soft whisper of a 3 year old.

"Mom, can I have a banana?"

I roll over and see the cherubic face of my offspring.

"Honey, we don't have any bananas."

He is suddenly less angelic and more indignant now. He huffs away and wakes up the baby.

Was I even alone in my sleep? Perhaps I should try lucid dreaming. I could spend a blissful 3 hours (if I could be that lucky!) unconsciously enjoying a day at the beach, sunning and drinking sangria. Yes, I can feel the steady thumping of the sun, the stillness in the trees only briefly interrupted by a slow meandering breeze. The sweet smell of salt and sand, an intoxicating blend that I want to gulp but can only enjoy as it wafts in and out with the tide.

And then I would be yanked so rudely by the wailing of my infant son. Such manners.

To me loneliness exists only as see how neglected my psyche is. Does anyone see me? I mean really see me - the woman running to an injured child, this girl here making your dinner, doing your laundry? Am I just an appliance?

I long for someone to look me in the eyes and listen. My soul is lonely for a connection. But even if I had that I would fight it off with a stick.

Because when it comes right down to it, I love familiarity. I complain but change scares me. If I am lonely, then I am in love with it because it is what I know. And aren't I proud. To admit that I desire to be vulnerable in front of another is too big a step to take.

Maybe I should take a cue from my older son and just climb on someone's lap when I'm feeling lonely.

Loneliness exists in a contradictory plane in my mind. It is a love/hate relationship. I am fighting to either be alone or gain company. A moderate dose of loneliness is, I guess, what I am seeking, just enough to warrant appreciation for my youthful entourage.

And when I am overcome with sticky hands and worn-out batteries, I can always retreat to the shower, conveniently built for just one!

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