by Saron Maramo

Created on: May 24, 2007

It is quite popular today for couples to "test drive" marriage by living together before getting married, but my advice is that living together to see if you are compatible before marrying is leaving yourself open to being conned. It is a big con.There are many experiences that will affect a person's character in marriage which will not be seen in the short term. Things such as parenthood, job changes, serious illness, work promotion or demotion, moral crisis or conversion, financial difficulty or financial success, the move of a loved one or your own need to move house,etc. There are few things in the course of life that you can plan for, foresee or know how you or your intended will respond to before they happen, and most of these things will not occur during the time that you are "testing things". But YOU CAN PREPARE FOR THEM WITHOUT LIVING TOGETHER: Marriage is firstly a friendship so many aspects of it are very similar to any other relationship. So then, if you have not learnt in life the skill of maintaining good friendships you will not know how to maintain a marriage.

To be ready for marriage you need to know how to resolve conflicts, be assertive, communicate well with others, be tolerant, accept people as they are, learn how to show love and care for people and not just in a sensual way, express and maintain your morals or faith, get the balance right between work and quality time for your relationship, etc.

What would really help you to get to know your intended before marriage is not living with them before but rather having a "living" relationship with them. GET TO KNOW THEIR LIFE, THEIR HISTORY. Dating today creates a false atmosphere for people to really get to know each other. You need to know your intended and THOSE WHO KNOW THEM AND KNEW THEM BEFORE YOU DID. AND YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS NEED TO KNOW THEM WELL TOO. You need to talk lots about every possible subject, alone and in the company of friends and family. Watch their reaction, watch the reaction of the others. Old fashioned courtship which was about the two families and lives coming together and not just the two people, deals better with helping people really prepare for marriage. It was about the couple taking into much consideration the advice of people who knew them both well. It was about the couple having clear ideas before marriage about the roles and responsibilities they were each to have in the marriage, including all the practical and mundane things like who would do the ironing, book the holidays, take the rubbish out, fix the shelves, etc. Of course as an adult your intended will have their basic character already formed; moral views and philosophies, faults and strengths, likes and dislikes, hopes and goals and these you must know well because they will not change drastically over time, but there will be things that your friends and family see which you overlook. That happens very often when we are in love.

As a Christian by faith I believe that God's way is the best way and I do not need convincing of that, but I can also see the logic of it as I have expressed above. I insist that living with your intended does not necessarily mean that you will know them well before marriage. There is an element of "taking a step of faith" in marriage, but that is because marriage is not an act which is over in a day, a piece of paper which you sign, no, it is a life, a process. You begin and continue LEARNING to share your life with that one person, help them, care for them and make them happy.

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