by Jed Eane

Created on: May 21, 2007   Last Updated: June 12, 2008

Would anyone really want their spouse to admit to an affair? Surely wanting your spouse to admit to an affair signals something else amiss in the relationship, and not just their suspected infidelity. Do you want out of the relationship yourself? When someone admits to an affair, they are perhaps saying something more - that they want to finish the relationship. Anyone questioning their lover about a suspected affair should perhaps bear this in mind before acting on their suspicions. While no one wants to believe that they are being lied to and deceived, going down this road without a degree of certainty could result in disaster.

It's not always acceptable for someone to close their eyes if they think that their spouse is playing around. But before trying to get an admission, ask yourself what the purpose is. If you think that your spouse will admit to the affair and then end it, with the intention of everything going back to being the way it was before the affair started, think again.

Some people have a suspicion that their spouse is having an affair and say nothing, probably because they've seen the behavior in their spouse before and believe that it isn't something that can "harm" their relationship. Others just accept it as a part of their spouse's personality and are content to let it happen because they don't want to lose their spouse - and they know that forcing an admission from them could result in just that.

Examine very carefully what "evidence" you have that your spouse is playing around. If it's fairly flimsy then you'll probably be better off saying nothing. Persistent accusations could drive a lover to do just that and to have an affair: they might think that seeing as they're being treated as though they're sleeping with someone else, they might as well get some benefit from it! They could find some form of solace in the arms of that caring and understanding colleague, the one who listens to them without accusations.

However, if you do have strong grounds for believing that your spouse is having an affair, and you do want to know the truth, then all you can do is ask. Tell them why you're asking, what's led you to believe they're being unfaithful, and then see what they say. If they deny it, then you have to decide whether you accept their answer or not. If you believe they're lying and you don't want to be with someone who lies to you, then perhaps it's time to take action, but tread carefully as this is a potential minefield.

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