by lj egbers

Created on: May 21, 2007

When dealing with difficult parents there are 3 things to remember. Keep yourself in check, understanding why they are controlling and when is it appropriate to say something.

I have to continuously remind myself that I allow their actions or words to effect me. And I sincerely mean that, I am in control of how I react. When dealing with family visits 90% of the time, they are trying to provoke a reaction. When I do not supply they with anger outbursts or falter in my disposition, they usually settle back and ignore me. I don't have to prove them wrong. I do get a note of satisfaction that they are showing my other family members how wrong their treatment of me or my family is.

Understanding their need to control is important. What were their parents like? Most behaviors are learned. It may just be, that they do not understand that they are in control of breaking the chain. Dispositions do not have to be passed down from generation to generation. Could it be insecurities? Are they so insecure of themselves they need to rule over another? There are many angles to this, but understanding why they need to control will help you better overcome your anger to their inappropriate behavior. This does not mean rationalizing their behavior, but will give you more insight to why they are who they are.

Now the hard part, when you should or shouldn't say something. Yes, it's unnecessary and annoying when you or your child is being ridiculed. They rarely look at something in your life as a whole picture. Just pointing out something that displeases them. This doesn't mean you should sit back and take it either, but pointing out something to them in a clam manner is always better then snapping back. This may or may not even be acknowledged, but you did state something to them that at least shut them up. They can, and probably will, talk all about you when you're gone.

One breaking point I have, is when they try to direct my children away from me. I have one child that will not spend anytime with their grandparents because of how inappropriately they speak about me. I think this is sad. They are destroying their relationship with their grandchild because of their need to control. I have heard too many times that my child is disrespectful to them. I just remind them that I parent differently. When it comes to my child, I taught them respect is a two way street.

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