I have been searching for my truth almost my entire life; Since the death of my father. Before that I was a baptized methodist never questioning an Almighty being. How else could EVERYTHING be created, right? And I went willingly to church nearly every sunday because Gale (then known as papa) would always take us to breakfast at Flamingo's and buy me strawberry french toast. My favorite.

I was raised by a peace-loving, tree hugging, dope-smoking hippy. She also happenes to be just under half Menominee Indian. we were raised with an immense respect for the land and wild life. So, finding faith in Mother Earth was like finding sand on a beach. There could never be anything as beautiful as what nature provides. It's like a gift of love from a deeply devoted mother who wants nothing but perpetual bliss for her children.

But lately, I have felt like I needed more. There are thoughts that run through my mind. I cant stop thinking along these deep and twisting lines when they begin to unravel. I cant eat, sleep, or focus on anything.

There is a mother who created the beauty of nature.
There is a father who created man, the only creature created with imperfections.

Who wants to find faith in a god that created the most destructive force on earth?

I had ten years of religion fed to me with a spoon, absorbing points of interest I would never have thought I would refer to a decade later, when most in doubt or seriously critisizing religion.

I studied the bible with the Jehovah's Witnesses, in an on again off again relationship, for about seven years. Again, I mentally noted little portions from different books, using them as cross reference material to point out all the conflicting information and horrendous lessons bestowed upon man; a constant, reminder that infidels would suffer greatly, and believers would suffer worse.

And then there were times when I felt an inner light shining within me, burning so fiercely, I thought I would die of extacy. The burning pain so beautiful, I would begin to wonder how I could doubt. HE just touched my heart... he gave me a piece of his light to keep me from falling from the cliff I could not see. A feeling like that could not be produced any other way. Could it?

I am the biggest conundrum I have ever known. One soul should not share emotions with both sides of the spectrum, one day feeling a venomous athiest, and the next day basking in rapture.

At night, when I am watching the news,

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