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While there is no formal process to becoming a lobbyist, the traditional method is to receive a cryptic invitation to join the Ancient Order of Lobbyists, bid fairwell to your former life, and embark to Washington D.C. Those who survive the journey face a difficult and soul-crippling interview process.

What does it take to be a lobbyist? Can you shill passionately? Are you willing to pledge total allegiance to an unseen boss who may ask you to take a fall? Do you have sales experience in your background? Perhaps a law degree? These are the building blocks of a good lobbyist.

But entrance into this exclusive club is not easy. Once someone answers the call to be a lobbyist they face a grueling interview process known as the "12 trials" which includes bribing public officials, lying under oath, and the slaying of a wild boar. Many enter the trials, only a few survive. Among those who do a tribal counsel ensues in-which only one lobbyist-in-training will be crowned "survivor." The winner then recites an ancient oath, disavowing all bonds to friends, family and religion. They undergo weeks of scream therapy and hazing where the old self is slowly drained and filled with the new lobbyist blood, known as Quicksilver. Only then are they allowed access into the inner circle, the grand fellowship of lobbyists, to take their place alongside men like Jack Abramoff.

Many lobbyist consider it all worthwhile however. They typically have long, interesting careers; their job security held in-place by their many contacts and the kickbacks they receive. They can expect many trials, and to slowly climb the ranks of the lobbying hierarchy where they hope to one day achieve what is known as "state of the clear." Many continue to lobby up until their deaths. A few escape and start over as lobbyists for non-profit social welfare firms.

Learn more about this author, Fred Krone.
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