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It is becoming more common or at least better known that lovers have become rapists. Some may think that it is not prevalent in our society, but I know firsthand that it does happen. It happened to me and if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone.

Being raped by a lover, or more accurately in my case being raped by someone who is supposed to love you, is not the same as being raped by a stranger. Often there is not any physical abuse associated with being raped by a boyfriend or spouse. The abuse is more mental and emotional.

You are being defiled by someone with whom you have been intimate with before. It doesn't matter that you do not want to have sex at that time; you are made to feel that it is your obligation to do so. Sometimes it feels more like your mind is being raped than your body.

In cases of continuous abuse, the man may just wake up and start to "make love" to the woman while she lays there waiting for the rape to be over. I think there are times when the man does not realize that he is actually being a rapist, or at least they certainly aren't admitting it to themselves or to anyone else. I also think that many of the women do not think that they are being raped.

I know that I did not think that I was being raped at the time. I know better now. He did not ask for consent. While there was not an obvious threat of physical violence, I knew that if I did not allow him to have his way with me that he would be unbearable to live with. So, I did not give him consent, but I did not put up a fight either. It was not something I wanted to do, but I continually laid there in order to keep the peace. I felt used.

Some may say that if you don't verbally say no then you aren't being raped. There is more than one to communicate that you do not desire to have sex with your partner. Those that care about you will understand this.

There are also so those that do not understand about putting up with it to keep the peace. When you have a man that becomes short tempered with you and your children when he does not get sex then you do what you have to do to keep things peaceful for the children. I could put up with his temper if I was the only one involved, but when he would start snapping at the children I felt as if I didn't have a choice. This is why it is more a mental and emotional rape than a physical rape.

I was lucky. I finally got up the courage to leave him. It was a hard decision to make. I finally realized that I was being abused, but there was no physical abuse to show to the outside world to prove that I had a good reason for leaving him. This did not make it easy and it is still hard since he remains close to my parents. Sometimes I wish that he had hit me, just once, so I would have physical proof of his abuse. Surface bruises go away, but bruised souls can last a lifetime.

It was easier to get free than I thought it would be. He didn't put up a fight because he wanted it to be easy on the children. He did say that if we didn't have kids that he would have fought the divorce. He did continue to abuse me mentally and still attempts to today.

There needs to be more awareness that husbands and lovers can and do rape the women that they are supposed to love. Women should not be made to feel used by the men in their lives. They need to know that just because they are in a relationship it does not mean that they have to accommodate their partner to keep the peace. I wish I had learned that sooner. I am just glad that I learned it before it was too late.

Learn more about this author, Jennifer Flood.
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