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Trying to reignite an old relationship may be worth trying, but the reality is that it rarely works.

For one of you to become an "ex" in the first place, one of you must have had serious problems with the relationship. If you're the dumpee (as opposed to the dumper), it may seem to you that your partner walked away without thinking things through - but in fact, that's unlikely to be true.

Walking away from an established relationship takes nerve, especially if you're living together. It means a huge upheaval in the ex's living arrangements - he has to find a new home, perhaps buy new furniture, notify everyone of his change of address, admit to friends and relatives that the relationship has failed. It means sleeping alone again, having no one to share life's ups and downs with, and perhaps losing contact with a loved child. A person has to be very unhappy before they're prepared to take on all that, and has often contemplated the move for months if not years. You, as the person left behind, may not understand what made him so unhappy - but if you want him back to stay, you need to find out!

The truth is that when an ex comes back and says he wants to "give things another try", it's often not because of you - it's because the depressing reality of being on his own has hit him, and it scares him. Unless you can talk to him, get to the bottom of why he left in the first place, and take steps to address it, it won't take him long to remember why he left in the first place. He'll leave again, sooner or later. Guaranteed.

There is usually one fundamental reason why one partner is unhappy in a relationship: it's because their needs are not being met. If you can analyze both your needs and see where your relationship is failing to meet them, you may be able to see a way to make it work. There are times when the needs of the two partners seem incompatible - to meet one party's needs, the other would have to sacrifice their own. Don't whatever you do, fall into that trap! That way lies misery, and it will inevitably lead to another breakup. You need to find a way that works for both of you, or not at all.

So, the secret to getting back with your ex is careful thought and lots of communication. Don't get back together and try to pretend the split never happened: that's a recipe for disaster, because you'll only repeat the same mistakes all over again.

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