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by Len Morse

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Living near a huge metropolitan area has its ups and downs, but one of my biggest pet peeves is dealing with the sheer number of drivers, many of who seem incompetent, lazy, or just think they're clever. The following is a list of many frustrating "road dances" I encounter daily, their basic "dance steps", and suggested solutions for them.

The Lane Change Boogie

The drivers must be on the far left or far right, but then cut across two or more lanes of traffic as fast as possible to make a turn or catch an exit that wasn't seen earlier.

Do they assume that there will always be space to pull this stunt each time they try it? Are they zoning out while driving and then suddenly realize where they are and try to make up for not paying attention?

The Slow Drift Waltz

For this dance, drivers must not touch their steering wheel for at least three seconds.

I guess drifters figure that since they're not in control in the first place and their car "wants" to drift into the next lane, they'll just make it look as if they meant to change lanes. Yeah, that's the ticket. At the very least, they should make sure that when they're idling at the light, their car is pointed straight ahead. This way, when it's time to move, they don't drive into or over the median on the other side. (Don't laugh, I've seen it happen!)

The Hurry-up Hustle

Amazingly, this dance is the most dangerous, yet the most frequently attempted: Drivers must zip in and out of lanes in an uneven pattern, while tailgating others with alarming regularity.

I realize that sometimes the drive goes slower than expected or emergencies arise, but during everyday travels, is it really worth risking their life over a few minutes? Be afraid, be very afraid!

The Alligator Crawl

Put...one...foot...in...front...of...the...other. ..foot...then...repeat.

How slow do they need to go to figure out where they are? Are street signs that difficult to read? Do their cars actually refuse to go faster than 25 mph? Why do they use high beams on a lighted two-lane road, blinding all oncoming drivers? Ophthalmologists are looking for (no pun intended) patients like these.

The Turn Signal Tango

The most confusing dance to watch, this one has two different versions. Drivers must change lanes on a multi-lane road or highway, OR turn at a non-lighted intersection, without using the turn signal. On the flip side, some drivers leave their signal on after merging or turning.

It's frustrating for other drivers who expect them to move, only to realize that they are oblivious to their turn signal's longevity.

The Bad Parker's Barn Dance

Admittedly, this is not a dance so much as it is the result of one. It is correctly done in parking lots and garages, when drivers zoom around looking for a space, then immediately stomp their brakes after they capture one.

This just in: Those white lines are not for decoration. It really doesn't take that much effort to gently park your car in between two of them, and also leave room to open the door. Those who park with a lazy or hurried attitude run the risk of having someone ding their door or scratch their paint.

The Rubberneck Lindy

This rhythmic line dance has a back-and-forth feel, as the first drivers in line slow down and look to the side. Sometimes this is done fast, sometimes slow, causing the next in line to follow suit.

As a society, we have been told to pull over for flashing lights, which is obviously the thing to do for safety and courtesy's sake. However, if the flashing lights are already off the road and you know your path is clear, keep moving! Disrupting the flow of traffic by going too slow is just as bad as going too fast. I personally don't care who's getting the ticket, and I really don't wish to see any mangled body or car parts. If you really can't live without that kind of roadside excitement, go watch "Cops."

Suggested Solutions

For daily commuters: Simply leaving five or ten minutes earlier than normal may help. You should also keep an ear on the local traffic reports.

For distance drivers or those unfamiliar with their chosen route/destination: A clear map is an incredibly helpful document. I heartily recommend that you become best buddies with a map of the area you need to navigate, even before you leave your house: Study the route, locate a few landmarks, estimate your driving time, find out about any delays (i.e. construction), and search for alternate routes if necessary. Here in America, we have AAA (American Automobile Association) for help, and I'm sure other countries have similar agencies devoted to traveler assistance.

Auto GPS units are making a big splash all over the world, many of which boast pinpoint accuracy, strong signal locks, audio capabilities, and touch-screen navigation. Some can even pronounce street names, and bring up weather and real-time traffic updates. So, even if you forget your paper map, or don't have a fellow human to assist, there's virtually no excuse for not knowing your route. Naturally, this is not the only reason to go out and buy a new car, but when you do, don't forget your GPS.

For everyone: Just pay attention. I know it's easy to lose yourself inside your own little car world, but being aware of what your car is doing and how others see you is paramount. Be safe and stay alive.

Learn more about this author, Len Morse.

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