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Thousands of songs have been written about broken hearts and the inability to go on alone. Recovery is imperative for those who want to live to the fullest and live free from past relational failures.

A broken heart, a dream shattered and an ego trashed are all ingredients for grieving something held valuable that did not come to fruition. Recovery from a broken heart comes through accepting the truth that the relationship has died and no longer exists. It also comes about through forgiveness of the former loved one who betrayed or abandoned, leaving one with a broken heart.

Grieving a broken relationship is natural and its a good thing because it acknowledges truth and allows us to process the pain and regret through our feelings and tears. Our mental and emotional make-up has forgetfulness built in to it. Generally we retain the helpful and positive elements and over time we work past the negative experience such as relational failure. It might be compared to the way our physical body retains valuable nutrients and eliminates waste.

Grieving means to revisit a painful place, and work through the feelings of pain and loss. It does not mean that you have to live there indefinitely, but it also requires time to process the loss. Once you have successfully processed the the loss, you are ready to recover in earnest.

Why do we get Stuck?

Sometimes we get stuck in the sadness and grieving place because we've idealized the person or relationship in an unrealistic way that makes it difficult to let go. Some people may have issues of abandonment and separation sewn into their lives from early childhood and those issues have not been resolved. These issues take on greater importance in relationships and can indeed be a leading cause of the eventual failure of the relationship.

Forgiveness is part of letting go and does more for the one who forgives. Whatever we hold locked up in our hearts has power over us and forgiveness is the instrument that cuts the power cord. By forgiving we are setting that loved one free, and we are freeing our heart to move toward healing. Forgiveness is not an agreement with the other person's actions, it is a choice and a matter of will. Feelings can block our ability to forgive, but it is a choice we can make despite our feelings.

Does "time heal all wounds" ?

For the person who suffers for years after a relational failure, this old saying holds little comfort. Failing to grieve a hurtful loss can lead to bitterness and mistrust in all future relationships. Denying pain and loss is equal to locking the feelings inside without processing them. This pain often gets dragged into future relationships and it's not fair to either person. It can make for toxic relationships filled with anger and mistrust.

Redeemed time means using the time required to grieve the loss, process the hurt, and tell yourself the truth. Break ups are rarely one sided events because each person adds his own ingredients to the dynamics of the relationship. Walk through the pain and come out on the other side of healing and recovery.

"Do you want to heal?", this is the question that was asked of a lame man who for thirty-eight years had lain by the Pool of Siloam waiting to be carried to the pool to be healed. One day he met Jesus at the pool and Jesus asked the question, "Do you want to heal?"

Do you want to heal or remain stuck in a relationship that no longer exists? Its a good question for anyone who is still bound to the pain and loss of a shattered relationship.

Resources:
"How People Grow" Dr. Henry Cloud
"Healing is a Choice" Stephen Arterburn

Learn more about this author, Mona Gallagher.
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