Meeting Joy for the First Time
In loving memory of my mother, Joy Parker
April 17, 1921- Dec. 2, 1974

All these years, you've been missing. I haven't been able to find you. I look for you on every journey. No matter where I am or what I do, I am always looking for you; hoping to catch a glimpse of your approval.

I think I'm finally beginning to understand you. I think I know who you are. For the first time in my life, I think I know you. I know the woman you were because of the woman I've become. I know the woman I'm becoming because of the woman you were.

I met you the other day while Joy Lynn was being silly, playing instead of getting dressed. You were the one yelling we didn't have time for silliness when I was in a hurry to get out of the house.

I met you when Shirlee bit me as she nursed. You were the one who squealed out in pain and frustration just before popping her on the bottom. You were disappointed and saddened by your immediate reaction.

I met you in the living room after I cleaned up the girls' toys. You were the one who lost it when they pulled everything out to play. You were the one who yelled at them to clean up the mess and you were the one who threw the blocks back into the wagon.

I met you the other night when, for no apparent reason, Joy Lynn came up and gave me a kiss. You were the one who hugged her and told her you loved her.

I met you when the girls jumped in my lap after dinner asking to cuddle and watch TV. You were the one who happily snuggled up to them and apologized for getting mad about silly things.

I met you when I was upset about Dad's continued disrespect and refusal to acknowledge his inappropriate comments. You were the one who cried because we just can't seem to get along.

I met you when Shirlee gave me her first kiss. You were the one kissing her back and wiping her slobber off your face.

I met you when Joy Lynn told her first "knock knock" joke. You were the one laughing out loud, proud she made up the joke all by herself.

I met you the other night in bed. You were the one hugging Joy Lynn and Shirlee tightly to your chest wishing the moment would never end.

I met you the other night as I sat, thinking about all the mistakes I've made as a mother. You were the one reminding me that I started from scratch with no reference for what a mother should be.

We met the other afternoon after I talked to Joy Lynn about being gentle with her friends. You were the one telling me, "Good job, Lucy."

I met you when I saw the girls playing together and heard them say, "I love you, sissy," "I love you, too." You were the one beaming with pride and smiling in delight.

I felt you as I looked at the distant hills dreaming of the loving family that never was. You were the one sending images of smiling faces from the heavens and reminders that I have created my own loving family.

Here you are again listening to Joy Lynn say the alphabet with a loud and clear "l, m, n, o, p". You are once again thinking about my happiness and my struggle. You hope I will be able to see your face in her face, hear your voice in her voice, feel your love in her touch and know, without a doubt, your love for me is as endless and deep as my love for her.

You are still hoping I will open my eyes, my heart and my mind so that you can come in and make a home.

Nice to finally meet you, mom.

Learn more about this author, Lucy Parker Watkins.
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