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Dating a Stroke Survivor: Addressing Self Image and Sexuality

According to the Stroke Recovery Association (SRA) the possible and normal sexual consequences of a stroke include:

* a diminished self-image and self-esteem,
* fear of being rejected or no longer being loved,
* emotional and relationship changes that may alter interest in sex,
* fear of and anxiety about sexual failure,

* social change (the way that the disabled are viewed by others - this particularly applies to single, widowed, divorced or separated stroke survivors).

Bruce and I had been seeing each other nearly every night for weeks and it was obvious to both of us that we were on a fast moving train to a lifetime commitment.

One evening, after our nightly ritual of tending to his toes, I was still seated on the floor at his feet. We had been discussing life, limitations and survival. He became overwhelmed with emotion and began to pour his heart out.

"I didn't think," he said. "I didn't think anyone would want me."

The tears welled up in his eyes as he continued.

"Every day. I looked at myself. Every day I asked who would want this?"

He reached across his body and touched his paralyzed arm and crumbled hand. He stood and stooped over in an imitation of his stroke-effected stature. He emphasized his point by pulling his right hand up to his chest in a seized and clenched position.

"Who would want to touch this?" he had made his point and he sat again.

The SRA report further states "Fear, frustration, the need to adjust to a self-image which has been shattered, adapting to a new, often very different "self", disappointment in terms of performance in many life areas, and doubts about one's capability of dealing with these changes - all these are part of recovery from a stroke. "

Bruce was always dressed in clean clothes that were tattered and worn. He had gained a significant amount of weight since quitting smoking six years after his stroke and his pants were noticeably tight around the waist. The neckline of nearly every T-shirt was ripped at the binding. He wore a slogan bearing T-shirt and conservative trousers nearly every day. His shirt was always tucked in and he cinched his pants with a belt. His shoes were Velcro closed tennis shoes and his socks were always pristine clean and white.

A National Stroke Association report states that "dressing oneself is a basic form of independence. The added value of being neatly and attractively dressed enhances a stroke survivor's self-image."

Bruce was living in a

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