Helping a Friend Whose Child Has Died

A child's death is the most devastating of all deaths. Other deaths are difficult, but they are not unexpected. In the back of your mind you've thought about the possibility of your mother and father dying. You know your grandparents are going to die before you. But a child's death is unnatural. It's unexpected even if the child has been sick for some time. It's impossible to prepare psychologically for it. When it happens, all of your friend's dreams come to an abrupt halt. All hope is lost. His heart feels like someone is holding it with a death grip on it. She has nothing left to live for. His life is over. Nothing anyone says can make it any easier. Nothing can ease this pain.

You want to help, but you don't know how. What you say may be more discouraging than encouraging. The last thing you want to do is hurt your friend even more. So what do you say? What don't you say?

Don't say "You're still young. You can have another child someday." That may be true, but another child will not replace the one that died. Another child won't relieve the pain. And the thought of bringing another child into this world is excruciating because the possibility of losing another one is too much to bear.

Don't say "Well, at least you had the child for x number of years." There is no time that this is an appropriate statement because there is never a good time for your child to die. Parents are supposed to die first. Period!

Don't say "I know how you feel" or "I can just imagine what you are going through". Unless you have been through the death of your child, you cannot imagine what they're going through. Even if you were close to the child the parent may be hurt by a comment like this one.

Don't say "The child is in heaven now". When a parent is grieving it doesn't matter where that child is. All that matters is that the child is not HERE!

Don't say "It was God's time". The parent will in turn blame God for taking the child from them. They will not be able to comprehend how God could "time" the death of their child so poorly. They will not be able to understand why God would want them to go through so much pain.

Don't say "This will all work out for the good". There is nothing more painful than the death of your child. When a parent is grieving, they don't comprehend "good". They feel that nothing is good anymore because their child isn't here.

Don't say "You can do this because

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