4 of 14

Write now Article Tools

Define "getting over" someone. How much more vague could you get? Here's my take:
Initially, you re-visit the reasons for the break-up: the problems, the fights, the lack of fights, the lists, the demands, the apathy.
Those won't last. The next stage causes those beautiful rose-tinted glasses to appear, the best clouds of judgment. Combating this requires insight into the reasons why you were with your previous partner. Many times, taking on a partner is the perfect distraction from all the underlying stresses in one's life. The break from your partner now forces all those problems to surface. It's important to remember, in this case, only a fraction of the pain and hurt is due to missing your partner. The rest is all you: the issues you refused to acknowledge, the lesser priorities, and sometimes, the baggage you hid from view.

What about closure? Needing to know why they acted the way they did. Maybe, if you knew, you could shut it away. This only works in a very honest relationship, usually fairly serious. Be very honest with yourself: will it really help, or is it masking one of your underlying problems. If you already have the reasons for the break-up, it won't help anymore. The relationship is over. For your own closure, break any ties you can from them. It's your action, you control your exposure. The more you exert that control, the more you can regain a sense of empowerment. DO NOT hound your previous partner constantly for closure. You feel less and less in control, and you create more questions than answers.
It comes down to one question, no matter how serious: did they or could they have loved you? Conversely, did you or could you have loved them? Deep down the answer is there. If the answer is no for one or the other, (or both), there's your closure. If the answer is yes, you have to realistically re-visit why the relationship crumbled. Those are the hardest break-ups. Your closure stems from mutual happiness: if you're both happier as friends, it's just not meant to be.

Learn more about this author, Katerina Maher.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Picking up the pieces after a relationship failure?
We want to hear your view. Write now!