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Once more I leap onto my hobby horse, armed with broken sword, and charge forth to defend the fair maiden known as the English language. The fact that said maiden is a gap-toothed strumpet inviting degradation and enjoying debasement matters not. I fight the unbeatable foe.

Let's start with pronunciation-or as so many of my students would say-pronounciation. The same students whose mouths would fall agape during the spelling test when I would say adVERtisement and not adverTISEment. In answer to their confusion and protests, I would smugly and starchly proclaim that proper English pronunciation is my forte-not my forTAY, the latter being a musical term for loud.

I hear what you are thinking. Our language is a living creature that undergoes change. If you use it the way the majority of people use it, then communication is best served. I wearily counter that language is not ONLY a means of communication but also an art form. One can paint a wall by throwing the contents of a paint can at it, but it looks better if proper brush strokes or roller movements are employed. Yes, I know that dictionaries are becoming more liberal about accepted spelling and pronunciation variables, but I prefer to be a purist. It's more fun.

That said and gotten out of the way, I move to particulars. I prefer long a apricots to short a apricots, but I must admit to pronouncing the 'l' in almond even though I know it should be AH-mund or with a short 'a' such as the vowel sound of lamb. The old-fashioned past tense of bid and forbid should sound like "bad" and "forbad," and those who say "bayed" should be ravaged by a pack of baying hounds. That exclusive and standoffish group is a clique, ( pronounced cleek), not a click. I pronounce the word "conduit" with three syllables because I have never heard anyone use one of the proper two-syllable pronunciations CON-dit, CUN-dit, or CON-dwit. Such a purist would be the cynosure (SIGH-nosure not SIN-osure) of verbal correctness though some might consider him/her DESpicable (not deSPICable). Still it's nice to know that linguistic exactitude remains exTANT (not EXtant) in our permissive society. Or do I err (ur) when I air such an opinion? When my students of old butchered the language I was implacable (imPLAYcable not imPLACKable). Strappado and bastinado were AP-plic-able (not ap-PLIC-able) tortures for such miscreants. The same for those who said mis-CHEE-vious instead of MISchievous. Fines issued to language felons are ir-REV-ocable, not irre-VOC-able.

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