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I used to think I knew exactly who I was, but not anymore. My life is completely not my own and hasn't been for quite some time. When every decision you make is based on the life of someone else, you can begin to get a whole new perspective on who you really are and where you think you might be going.

Whatever plans I had for myself changed close to 21 years ago when my son was born. Several years after that he was diagnosed with autism (oh yeah, mental retardation and obsessive compulsive disorder too) and my life has never and will never be the same. I do everything for him, i.e. brushing his teeth, picking his nose, tying his shoes, to wiping his butt after he has a bowel movement. I have no problem doing these things, he is my son; but WHO AM I besides mother to an autistic son. I feel like I have lost control of MY life and given it over to someone else completely. I know, I know this may seem to some people like a good, selfless act and I should be proud, but right now I feel nothing but guilt because I don't feel proud, I feel lost.

Part of me, a very large part right now, wants a different life, the one I was suppose to have. I think back to my youth and remember all the things I wanted to do when I grew up, but God had other plans; so be it.

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with my life. I have a wonderful husband who I have been married to for 22 years now. He is a great father to our two kids and is always there for me. Everything else in my life is going well - good job, good husband, healthy kids etc. I just can't seem to get past the fact that my life is not mine and will never be. There will always be someone completely dependent upon me and it scares me to death at times. I can't go anywhere or make any quick decisions without considering my son. Can I get a babysitter? Will he be alright if I leave him alone with someone? These are questions I will always have to ask and sometimes I just get sick and tired and want to slip out of the back door and run.

Life is very funny sometimes. You can wake up one day and look in the mirror and not even know the person looking back at you. I don't know when it happened, but the old me, the real me, disappeared and has been replaced by this confused, overwhelmed version. I'd like to know how to get the old one back, I really miss her.

Learn more about this author, Robin A..
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