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Stepchildren are often the main focus of a step-family. Natural parents and stepparents will go to great lengths to accommodate the needs and desires of the children. This is understandable, because they want the children to quickly settle into the new family arrangement and to feel secure and wanted. But what about stepmothers?

1. Stepmothers need a helping hand

Stepmothers are all too often left to find their own way in the step-family arrangement. For women who do not have any children of their own, this can be an overwhelming task. They will not necessarily have the parenting skills required to take temporary or permanent care of their spouse's children and this can make them afraid of taking on any parenting role at all. In this situation, it is primarily the husband's job to talk to his wife about the role that she will be taking on board. Does she need to learn more about how to cook for children? Does she know how to bathe children? Will she be putting the children to bed? If so, what is their usual bedtime routine? All of these parenting skills may come easily to natural mothers and fathers, but they may not for stepmothers.

2. Relationship with the ex

Stepmothers are sometimes viewed with suspicion and jealousy by the natural mother of the stepchildren. The mother may make her feelings evident by refusing to discuss any parenting issues or decisions with the stepmother, insisting on speaking to just the father. She may even refuse to accept the positive influence the stepmother has in her children's lives, telling them that they do not have to listen to their stepmother, as she is not the "real" parent. It is very hurtful for stepmothers to be treated in such a way, especially if they have built up a good relationship with their spouse's children. They will need a lot of support to overcome such childish tactics and to rise above this sort of behaviour.

3. The stepmother has feelings too

Parents often do all they can to preserve the feelings of their children, but the feelings of the stepmother may be trampled upon and ignored time and time again. This will only lead to a rift in the family and not a closer relationship between the husband, wife and children. The wife has a very special role to play in the family. If she is also a stepmother, she still deserves to be treated with the utmost respect. That means that if the stepchildren are rude and disrespectful towards her, the father should make sure they apologise to their stepmother. Tolerating such behaviour will not teach them how to respect their stepmother.

4. Stepmothers are often undervalued

The main reason why stepmothers need more support is because their role within the family is often greatly undervalued. The mother and father are usually given the credit for good traits found in their children. But sometimes, it is the stepmother who has helped to put them there! She will have to work harder to earn the love and respect that are automatically accorded the natural parents. She will also feel the need to prove herself and her true worth to the stepchildren. This is not an easy task.

In conclusion, the role of stepmothers is often a thankless one. It is not easy to deal with a role that brings little to no recognition. But with help of the husband and co-operation from the stepchildren, the true worth of stepmothers can be realised.

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