by Sherry Obenauer

Created on: April 19, 2007   Last Updated: April 25, 2007

How to Communicate More Effectively

You're not listening to me! You never hear what I have to say! You never remember anything I tell you! All you ever do is yell! You never talk to me! Familiar? Most of us have something of the sort on more than one occasion with little effect. A communication problem is often named the number-one reason for relationship endings. Yet the majority of people assume they know how to communicate effectively. Even though they have poor listening skills and often use manipulation, yelling, silence, threats, or blaming in order to try and be heard. However, all of us if willing can learn effective communication regardless of age if willing.

Most of us learn how to communicate based on modeling how our parents communicated with each other and with us. Unfortunately, many parents still believe that children should be "seen and not heard" or do not respect the feelings, opinions, and thoughts of children. Instead, parents are assumed to always "know better." Many parents tell their children to "shut up", are ignored, or punished for expressing themselves instead of taking the time to sit and listen to what they have to say.

Further, if a child is raised in an abusive, verbal and sometimes physical violence is used as a means of "communicating" one's feelings. Calm respectful discussions are rarely witnessed and conflicts are seldom resolved. Such children often become adults who are either uncommunicative for fear of negative repercussions or are verbally abusive towards those close to them.

The impact this early treatment teaches us that what we have to say is unimportant or of lesser importance than what someone else has to say. It also teaches us that we are not allowed to voice (or even have) our feelings. It teaches us to disrespect others and to use power as a way of controlling a conversation. It teaches us that conversations are one-sided and that disagreements do not involve compromise or discussion. In total, much of our early experiences have taught us how to communicate ineffectively.

Regardless of our upbringing, all of us can learn healthier ways of communicating. However, this process takes time, patience, and perseverance. Remember, many of us have had at least 20 years of communicating in a certain way and learning new skills takes time. These skills can be used to communicate with anyone of any age regardless of the relationship you may have with the other person.

Statistics suggest that between 70-90% of what we

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