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for whatever reason during and/or following a divorce. However, both parents need to spend quality alone time with their child (unless there are abuse issues involved). A father's presence is one of the strongest determinants of how well a child adjusts to a divorce. Fathers have as much a part of a child's upbringing as do mothers in a child's mind. But, if only one parent is around, the remaining parent must reassure the child even more that he or she is loved and that the other parent's absence is not a reflection of the child's worth or lovability.

Parents must cooperate with each other! Speaking poorly of the other parent in front of the child forces the child to pick sides and to mediate the conflict. If the child and his or her parent have conflict, the other parent should allow them to resolve it alone. Parents must be open and honest with their child and help them to face the reality of the divorce. Do not build your child's hopes up by indicating that you and your spouse might get back together again. Mixed messages are very confusing for a young child and difficult to handle.

Beware that the adult does not allow the child to become his or her parent; parents must meet their own needs and not rely on their child to do so. Remember, all feelings are okay, even anger. Encourage and allow children to feel and express whatever it is they are feeling and validate them. Help them problem-solve ways of expressing themselves without using violence or other unhealthy means of coping.

The process of adjusting to a divorce typically takes between one to three years. At some point, one or both of the parents may become involved with a new partner. Parents need to reassure their child even more that they are loved and will not be left or replaced. The natural parent should be responsible for the discipline and the new couple must not allow the children to come between them. Quality time should be scheduled allowing alone time between the parent and the child and between the parent and the new partner. Time should also be spent with everyone present. The ex-spouse needs to withhold criticism of the new partner and relationships should not be forced between the child and the new partner. Don't expect your child and new partner to automatically love each other, chances are there will be some conflict at first.

Divorce is not a pleasant experience for most people, but it can certainly by managed. If you are struggling or believe your children are struggling with a divorce in the family, contact a local counseling agency for help. Many have sliding fee scales based on family income, including the Calgary Counseling Center and the Catholic Family Services. The Calgary Counseling Center also offers children of divorce therapy groups for different aged children. Get the help and support you and your children need. If you don't, your children (and probably you too) will harbor the scars of divorce throughout your lives. You can survive and thrive after divorce.

Learn more about this author, Sherry Obenauer.
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