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How to Help Your Child Survive Divorce

Statistics show that about 60% of marriages in North America end in divorce. Many of these once-married couples had at least one child while they were together. Most divorces are saturated in hate, anger, resentment, distrust, pain, guilt, love, and confusion and can go on for years. One of the most difficult aspects of a divorce is custody of the children.

Many parents battle for custody and often overlook the child's pain, needs, anger, and confusion in the process. This article will look at what most children of varying ages experience during divorce and how parents can best serve them.

Divorce greatly impacts a person's ability to parent, at least temporarily. Due to their feelings of pain, shock, anger, confusion, and guilt, many parents tend to depend more on the child, inconsistently discipline their child, display anger outbursts, be ambivalent towards the child, regress, and are less available to their child. Parents must go through a grieving process while assisting their child to do the same; a difficult but not impossible task.

Children aged three to five years typically feel confused, fear abandonment, self-blame, fantasize about why the parent left, become aggressive, and may play out themes of family togetherness or decrease play. Children aged six to eight years may feel extreme sadness, fear, and anger towards their siblings, fantasize about their parents reuniting, self-blame, loyalty conflicts, and idealize the missing parent.

Children aged nine to twelve years may hide their feelings, become overly involved in other activities in order to avoid, feel embarrassed, feel anger and blame towards one parent while uniting with the other parent, experience headaches or stomachaches, and develop a shaken identity. Older children aged thirteen to eighteen often feel empty, have bad dreams, physically fatigued, anger towards both parents, loyalty conflicts, decide to drop out of school or never be in a relationship, and act out via drugs, sex, or delinquency. No child goes through a divorce unaffected despite what behaviors are expressed.

What can parents do to help their children adapt to the divorce? Parents need to tell the child the reason(s) for the divorce or the child will invent their own and often blame themselves. Parents must continually reassure their child that they are loved by scheduling individual time with him or her and by telling them often.

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