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As a writer, I find myself constantly asking others for feedback, and sometimes the feedback hurts. The pieces I write are my babies if you know what I mean. Yet I try to avoid antagonizing the person providing the feedback because odds are I might come back to him for more feedback at a later time. Here is what I do when I want to receive feedback with grace and dignity.

1. Compose a list of questions.

I find staying in control of the situation makes me feel more comfortable. How can I be insulted if I ask for the feedback specifically? I mean I write up a list of questions I want the other person to answer. Then I ask him to address each one. By thinking up the questions, I will have already started noticing the areas I may need improvement in. This should make me less sensitive to criticism. Yet I always include the open-ended question that goes, "Do you have anything else to add?" And this bag of worms can prove the most surprising.

2. Ask for specific feedback, especially when it is negative.

I practically glow when I receive good feedback. Who doesn't enjoy compliments? But what good are compliments if they don't tell you what to change to improve your work? So I ask for constructive criticism. What do I have to do to make my work better? What is wrong with my work now? What was just okay? Where did I fail to meet expectations, and what expectations were they? By pushing for more answers, and getting specifics, I find out what I need to do. Yet that doesn't mean that I ignore the positive feedback. I ask for details about what specifically is good about my work. Will my work improve if I repeat this thing in other places?

3. Do not argue.

When you argue, you don't hear what the other person is saying. Listening makes feedback a much more useful process. This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I feel a need to defend my work, but I have finally developed the ability to shut up and let the person giving me feedback speak. This makes it easier for me to find people willing to critique my work multiple times.

4. Thank the person giving feedback.

Nobody want to go through the bother of providing feedback only to find their efforts unappreciated. When I provide feedback, I expect to see that I haven't wasted my time. So saying thanks is important. In fact, thanking the person giving feedback not only makes them feel better, but it also gives you a way to end the conversation before your self-control snaps and you start arguing about the negative feedback.

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