by Marty Alan McGill

Created on: April 16, 2007   Last Updated: April 25, 2007

A lot of unnecessary tug-of-war results, when parents and grandparents differ in their opinions on child-rearing and visitation. This is especially true with the first-born grandchild, as grandparents tend to see their children as children themselves. The urge to intervene can be strong, and divisive.

In a healthy family atmosphere, grandparents will have a reasonable role in the life of a grandchild. This is not a RIGHT, and they must always respect the parents wishes concerning the child. I know of more than a few family relationships that were damaged beyond repair, by either over-bearing grandparents or unreasonable children.

This is a sad, but far too common occurrence. It's hard to place the blame on one side or the other, poor communication is often the culprit. Saying things about the parents child-rearing skills is a no-no. If you must interject, do it in a diplomatic manner, and try to steer the conversation to where constructive advice would be welcome.

Another sad fact, not always true but most of the time, the MATERNAL grandparents are the favored of the group. This is by choice of the mother, and you can understand how this works. The mother is usually the primary decision-maker(sorry dads, it's just the truth)concerning the child's schedule and visitation. So naturally, her parents take the lions share of baby-related visits, and this can cause tensions.

If you happen to be on the PATERNAL end of the stick, be careful of what you say concerning your lack of baby-time. If you speak ill of the baby's maternal family you could end up with little or no visitation. The best approach is to be OK with whatever time you get to spend with the child, and when you see opportunities to ask for more, then do it. You can also offer to treat the parents to a night or weekend away, leaving you with the child.

You have no prerogative, nor legal right to your grandchild. But if you play your diplomatic cards well, and keep all sides happy, you should have ample time to share in the joys of grand-parenting.

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