Walking my dog through the park one day, I witnessed the beginning of what could be a lifetime of sibling rivalry. I saw a mother sitting on a bench, cooing her newborn baby. Her other son, probably about ten years old, was jumping up and down on the playground yelling, "Hey mom, look at me!" about every two minutes. Without even looking, the mother would reply, "Yes, very nice hun."

The child was no fool to this game, however, and eventually abandoned the playground to jump up and down around the bench. The mom told him to knock it off and to go back and play with the other kids. Finally the boy yelled something to the effect of, "Ever since that came here (pointing to the baby), you hate me!" The rest of the conversation was a mix of hushed tones and pleading cries. It was certain that this child did not welcome the baby at all. At that moment in time I vowed to myself that I would develop the relationship between current children and future ones before I found myself in a situation similar to this one. There are ways to do this, even before your new child is introduced to the family.

TALK ABOUT THE NEW ADDITION TO THE FAMILY

When you first find out that you will be having another child, be sure to sit your other children down to talk about it. Explain to them that mommy and daddy are having another baby, just like they had him or her. If you are adopting, explain that there are children out there who need homes. You will also want to take this opportunity to make your other children feel significant in the process as well. Tell them that they will have an important job of helping mommy and daddy, and being a good big brother or sister.

FORM A BOND BETWEEN THEM BEFORE THEY MEET FACE TO FACE

Often a child feels alienated because they don't understand that a living being is living inside his or her mom's womb. Help them realize this by forming a relationship between the two future siblings. Encourage your child to feel the baby kicking and read stories to your tummy. They could sing softly or play music for to the baby too. Any bond they form with the baby before his or her birth will only be stronger afterward.

During the adoption process you should show a picture of the future sibling to your child. If they are close in age, talk about all the things they have in common and the fun things they can do together.

MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTANT

Along with telling your son or daughter that they will have important jobs to do, you should also make sure they do have one or two. Involve them with decorating the baby's room or helping mom put away the groceries. The more fun the activity, the less stressed they will feel when the new addition to the family arrives.

When the day finally does come, give them more "important" jobs like holding the baby once in a while or getting you diapers. They may also continue their story telling sessions too. Any time your child does something good concerning the baby, always give them positive reinforcement by saying "good job", or giving them a hug.

SPEND QUALITY TIME, BOTH ONE-ON-ONE AND WITH THE BABY

While spending time as a family together is a great way to help your child welcome the sibling, it is also important to spend one-on-one time with your first born. They need to know that are still loved just as much as, if not more, than the day they were born.

Using these steps you will ensure a healthier relationship between your children and even you and your children. Now isn't that what being a family is all about?

Learn more about this author, Kelly A. Mello.
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