by Sid de Knees

Created on: April 14, 2007   Last Updated: February 02, 2010

On a warm,  Friday afternoon, in April, as she walked away, I watched her in my  rear view mirror, then I drove out of the street, wondering. Where would my life lead me now? Twelve years of my Thirty nine had been in a turbulent and frustrating relationship with her, my longest relationship. A great deal of shared memories once treasured, had been destroyed by arguments. The new house full of someone else's, Christmases and Birthdays, and tragic moments, waited for me patiently. So with no further ado and with as positive an outlook as could be mustered, the new home was embraced, as old familiar keepsakes began being scattered throughout. All of those photos, and pieces of art feeling as out of place as I felt.

Today May 1st 2007 one year on, this piece seems right to write. New clothes, haircut, nights on the town are only temporary pain killers, to the sense of death we feel from a separation not our own true choosing, forced due to poor behaviour. Those separations chosen are so much easier to recover from I know, In the past they were behind in no time. It is hard to fight the thoughts blaming yourself for the demise of your relationship. Those thoughts late at night telling you parting was the wrong thing to do and, that you could have saved it.

Fight such thoughts first, they are not actually true, if you could have saved it you would have. Picking up the pieces of yourself is not as impossible as you think, or feel in the early days as you wait for the call or visit claiming a mistake has been made. Would you really want someone in your life, that had made you feel the way you are feeling now? "It is only a relationship". Others wait, patiently for someone to love and be loved equally.

This year has taught me a great deal about myself as recovery took place. Those moments where I could walk alone, where and when I wanted. The joy of meeting someone and chatting endlessly about very little, and not having to justify that conversation to a jealous and angry partner. Finding my likes of modern day, and i say modern day because for so long I was closed off from the outside world believing i needed nothing but all I had. Wrong! Get yourself out there the world is a marvelous place full of people wanting to live. Not as we suspect trying to control us with our love for them.

The pace at which you return to the sense of freedom filling me now, is set by you. Not friends trying to get you back in the "courting saddle", they mean well. No one wants a down hearted friend turning up crying, "woe is me". Though they do stop trying once they realize the single life is suiting you at that moment in your emotional journey. Embrace your new found friends and freedom, and this time of discovering yourself and the things you want, from the next step of your life.

Over three years have whizzed by, and as I continue my journey far away from seperation. Life cears fruit and is always full of hope. Letting go is essential to one's survival.

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