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There comes a time in most people's life when they get to have a coming of age conversation with their parents or siblings. When they can have a conversation based on everyone being an adult and an almost level playing field. It was in this atmosphere around the kitchen table over cookies and milk that my sister, mother and myself really explored the gilt complex theories. My sister who is nine years older than I am, much smarter and who doesn't much like me talking about her will be named Stacy for this adventure. (I would hate to hurt her feelings.)

Stacy had been reminiscing about how effective Mom had been on inflicting guilt trips as a form of motivation, discipline and perhaps amusement. While I knew that Stacy was very influence by guilt I didn't attribute it to anything that had happened in our home. I had to question what on earth they were talking about. It was then my Mom got a very determined look on her face, not the most pleasant, and announced "Guilt only works when you can make some one believe they are responsible for the feelings and actions of others and some people are immune."

Stacy was suddenly outraged.
" Isn't it important to recognize that our every action effects other people?"
I couldn't help but laugh. Then I kind of felt sorry for her. I began to wonder how it would be to have your quiet time at night, that time just before you fall asleep, filled with thought of how your day and your choices may have planted a seed that would someday cause a war. Now I finally understood why Stacy slept so little.

As mothers often can do she sensed the thoughts that were flying in each of our head and decided to share with us a bit of wisdom. On the subject of gilt complexes and the use and effectiveness I would offer the conversation, not wait lecture (we didn't interrupt or add) gave us.

"Anyone who has raised at least two children understands that they come with their own personalities and you may be able to influence, but you will never change their basic nature."

" Think of the story I read you about the hen who was making the loaf of bread. Remember none of the animals were willing to help and in the end they all wanted some of the bread. Well, Stacy you were very concerned about the other animals. You truly wanted them to learn their lesson and help make the bread. As your Mom I was proud of you and realized that you would be very conscience of your actions and may be a great world leader because you would take care of the world."

" I read Sami that same exact story. I believe with the same inflection and emphasis. She was said, "Well the hen wanted bread and so she should make it. It was sure nice of her to share." As your Mom I was proud of you and realized you would be gracious and may be a great leader someday because you would always find the best in people."

" Guilt complexes don't work the same for everyone. It's probably best to try and avoid the use of them on others and just examine how they can help you be better person."

Of course it was Stacy who came up with the perfect response.

"Well said."

Learn more about this author, Trenna Sue Hiler.
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