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The following guide will enable to sum up a man's personality the instant you look at his wrist.

1. No Watch.
Now, I don't wear a watch. However, rest assured that I will not allow that to influence the analysis in any way, shape or form. Although there is no evidence to support this, science has proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that men who do not wear a watch are intelligent, creative, sexy, kind, generous, etc, etc.

2. Expensive Watch
The man who ears an expensive watch obviously has a desperate need to impress and thus has feelings of inadequacy. Therefore, one can use the same rule as the one that applies to cars. In other words, the flashier the watch, the smaller thecan we use the word "penis" on Helium?

3. Sports Watch
The man who wears a sports watch is akin to the man who wears expensive trainers. This man plays no sport whatsoever. No sports enthusiast spends money on designer trainers when he knows that, after a few workouts, they will look awful, anyway. Similarly, no sports person spends money on a watch that may get damaged. In fact, most people don't actually wear a watch while taking part in sport. For example, people will wear expensive, water resistant, divers' watches. As an experienced diver, I don't. Why? Well, water resistant watches are of no use to a diver. A diver would wear a waterproof watch if he were to wear one. Second, why would anyone want to know what time it is underwater? One does need to know how long one has been underwater, but the standard diving instruments do this for you.

4. Tasteful Watch
A tasteful watch worn by a man, means the owner is gay. Heterosexual men have no taste when it comes to such matters, as our idea of accessorising tends towards bandanas and Bart Simpson socks.

5. Digital Watch
These are usually bought for next to nothing at garages. Thus, the owner is either eminently practical and sees a watch purely as something to tell the time by; or else he is an alcoholic.

Learn more about this author, Steve Martin.
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