by Sandra Petersen

Created on: April 14, 2007   Last Updated: April 25, 2007

You have more than likely heard a parent say, "I can't understand why Johnny refuses to listen to me." Maybe the mother has told Johnny to pick up his toys from the floor but Johnny keeps on playing. The phrase "refuses to listen" is many times better stated "refuses to follow instruction."

The first thing to determine is if there is a medical reason the child seems not to listen, for instance, a hearing disability that has not yet been detected or something like ADD or autism. Once medical concerns have been ruled out, the adult then must begin the task of teaching the child to obey instructions.

Most of the time, the child who does not listen has not had adults in his life who have listened to him. Left to fend for himself and forced to entertain himself, the child becomes an island isolated from others. Because he has unlimited choices and few limits, he has little opportunity to see how his poor choices injure others. He knows some of his choices are personally painful but he either does not know or does not care how his disobedience affects others.

The child who does not obey must first of all learn to trust the person who is speaking. If the child is very young, the adult should make eye contact by getting down to the child's level. Sitting or kneeling beside or in front of him is a good way to begin communication. If the child continues to glance away at distractions, simply holding his face gently in your hands and looking into his eyes may focus his attention. If the child is not your own, be cautious about touching in a way that could be misconstrued as inappropriate.

Make sure you use the child's name when speaking to him. If you are asking him to do something, especially something that takes a few steps to complete it, have him repeat back what you told him to do. The younger the child, the fewer steps the child will be able to remember so keep the directions to the youngest simple.

Resist the temptation to raise your voice. Once the child becomes used to answering only when the adult's voice reaches a certain decibel level, he will continue to wait to respond every time until that warning' level is reached. For that reason you should come to the child to tell him something; don't yell your instruction from another room. It is too easy for the child to say, "I didn't hear you."

Use the word "please" when asking your child to do something; require him to use the same manners toward you.

Sometimes the best way to get the attention of a child is to speak

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