by Sherelle Cary Smith

Created on: April 13, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Let's be honest ladies; we've had the thought before and many of us still feel we can do it by Jove! I bet I could see hundreds, nay, thousands of right hands sheepishly raised if the question were asked, "Do you think you can change your spouse's behavior?" There would also be as many hands raised if the question were asked, "When you did try to change your spouse's behavior, did it seem like you hit a brick wall?" I have and he's also run into my brick wall as well! I've seen it happen both ways; not only in my own relationship but also in the relationships of people I know.

Why did it happen? Because you and I probably went about things the wrong way. We pointed out faults and then laid down ultimatums and deadlines for change....wrong move every time! It took me a long time to figure this out but I think I have. Marriage is about creating a union of two people, but still growing as individuals. Couples tend to get so lost in one another that they forget who they are as people in their own right. The lesson learned is that it is still very important to grow personally.

I'm going to be so bold as to say that you CAN change your spouse's behavior but not in the way you think and it's not actually something you are "trying" to do with them...but with yourself. I gave up on trying to change my spouse and went about trying to change myself and grow as a person. I gave myself value and permission to grow again. Then, wonder of wonders, my husband started noticing my strength and independence and admired it. He started asking me questions as to how I did it...dialog. Then, miracle of miracles, he started telling me of things he was trying to do in his own life! One of my best open-jaw moments was when he told me a revelation that had come to him that finally made sense and how he had to admit that it had been something I'd been trying to tell him for years! So why did he finally get it? Because I wasn't shoving it down his throat in anger or judgment! That's pretty much why in a nutshell.

One thing we forget to do is treat each other as spouses with the same respect and dignity that we did when we were just dating. We fail to show the same care and consideration to each other as we did when weren't sure if we were going to be in each other's lives and when once upon a time, each of our opinions mattered.

It's so important to become friends again. When everything else is falling apart, you can depend on that friendship to get you both through the turbulent times. Friends accept each other as they are and love each other unconditionally. If the situation doesn't change then friends change the way they react to the situation. It's so hurtful to a spouse when they feel you can't accept them the way they are. Many times, the problem is not with them, but with you. They may be doing something that reminds you of a past hurt or transgression by someone against you. I found that to be very true. Because the spouse is so close to the source, he or she is the first one to "feel the pain" when the sensitive nerve is touched. They are not the cause, but they are definitely the trigger. Wisdom comes with understanding the difference between the two.

My advice is to sit down and talk to each other as friends. Speak truthfully of the baggage you are carrying, we all have some. You will be surprised how much your spouse will understand and support you once he or she is no longer in the "line of fire".

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