5 of 5

Write now Article Tools

I had a fantastic haircut today. Haircuts are big business for me and my days usually center around them for that very reason. Once I've had my haircut I don't do anything else. For me, the fact that I have got through it is a good enough reason to lie on my bed and eat crusty bread until I fall to sleep. Due to premature balding, having my haircut has become a traumatic and uncomfortable experience. I have to go through this whole pitch before the scissors go anywhere near my head. In this pitch I explain my predicament and produce a detailed analysis as to the evolution of my fringe and what they can do to save it from extinction. Every hair must be allocated a specific position, no follicle must be forgotten. I'm then inclined to flip my forehead open so that they can see the erosion in all its sad glory.

You think I'm going bald?', I squeak.
No not at all. It's just the way your hairline is developing. You have widows peak.' I don't know what the hell widow's peak is but it doesn't exactly create any positive connotations. A bereaved haggard spinster rocking back on forth on the top of a grassy mound? I don't know but I'm pretty sure I never had a widow's peak before. Of course I know it's all nonsense and they're just using hairdressing buzzwords so they don't upset me. But I didn't come in to be comforted, I just want them to recognize the problem and do their best to fix it.
For the most part they do end up fixing it, albeit temporarily i.e. until the wind blows. It's a truly horrific process though. The thick body of hair is put through it's paces, starting off with a compulsory hair wash. My fading follicles can barely handle one wash a day, let alone two. For you see, I must wash it before I go in at the risk of handing them a dry, greasy disgrace of a scalp. I took a risk on one occasion and went in looking like my hair had been styled by a horse. The shampoo girl quickly latched onto it and asked whether I knew that I had a dry scalp. I would have nodded but my head was being kneaded like dough and any unexpected movement would surely have snapped my neck. It is truly an invigorating experience. I especially love it when you know the girl who is washing your hair. Yeah you didn't know who I was back in secondary school but now you're massaging my head with mint conditioner baby!
For today's experiment they decided to use mango shampoo which smelt better but lacked that brain-chill freshness that only mint can provide. But whatever, I was too nervous

• 1
• 2
• next page >>

Add your voice

Know something about Why are people afraid of haircuts??
We want to hear your view. Write now!