by Ian Loft

Created on: April 13, 2007   Last Updated: April 29, 2007

Sibling rivalry commonly exists between children living in a family relationship that under normal circumstances will dissipate as children mature emotionally and intellectually. Parents can exacerbate the rivalry or take steps to reduce rivalry depending on their way of dealing with tensions, jealousy, envy and insecurities that will often manifest between children as they grow up.

The first and most important aspect is to enforce a policy of fairness. Even the perception of favouritism can sometimes be sufficient to spark off resentment. Consider equal responsibilities commensurate with sex and age along with, and above all consistency.

Sibling rivalry is by and large inevitable with pressures of school, friends, family and especially puberty. Engendering respectful relationships therefore must start from the beginning. Teach children to share, to do things with and for each other, and above all demonstrate love and respect in your own relationship. Siblings need to understand their first and most important responsibility is to family, and family stick together through thick and thin.

Find activities that siblings enjoy, and that require some teamwork or cooperation. Your most effective activities are where achievements and progress are only possible by cohesive and equal effort. As a music teacher, I have two families of two children each, both of whom are learning guitar. In each family, both children expressed an interest in learning yet it was my suggestion (and preference) to keep them working together doing the same lessons. My motive was not entirely altruistic yet what is clearly obvious now, and a surprising benefit both sets of siblings work together and look for things they can play as a duet. It is a truly beautiful thing to watch as they learn how to work with each other and after the first few rocky lessons in the early days I rarely notice any rivalry or arguments.

There are plenty of other activities available through which such relationships can be forged between siblings, and more importantly to provide a common interest through which a loving and lasting relationship is established for life. The real test of sibling rivalry does not come until much later in life when children find themselves in the position of making decisions regarding elderly parents and estate. Without these early bonds of common activity and love, later rivalry reignites into problems that often lead to irreconcilable differences with disputes over money, estate and care of their parents' health.

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