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Have you ever heard someone say, "Lady Luck is on my side tonight" and thought to yourself "What's that hussy doing picking favorites? And what'd he do to get her all to himself?" People will tell you that luck isn't real, or that it's not something you can acquire, that you either have it or you don't. But they're liars, and had you read my article on identifying liars, you would know that already. You CAN acquire, and because I'm not a selfish jerk, I'm going to tell you how.

You may know some of the more famous ways to collect luck: carrying around dismembered rabbit parts, finding deformed plant life, and kidnapping vertically challenged Irishmen. Some might even tell you that coming across loose change, especially coinage with extremely low denominations, will bring you luck. But that's all sheer flimflammery! There is only one sure-fire, fool proof, results will NOT vary, way to get Lady Luck playing for your team. And as long as you take the steps I tell you to, and take them carefully, you'll be winning more bingo nights than you can handle.

The first thing you're going to have to do is set aside about two hours of your day for this. It's a bit of a long process, I'll admit, but before you give up on it already, you only have to do it once every other full moon. And isn't the guarantee of eternal good luck worth two hours of your time? Are you really THAT busy? I didn't think so.

The next thing you're going to do is gather a few supplies. You'll need:
1)A quilt
2)A box of small thumbtacks
3)A blindfold
4)A medium sized flan
Once you've gathered these things, put them in a black box and do not open it until the full moon comes.

Once the full moon has risen high in the skies above, it's time to get your luck on. Spread the blanket down on your living room floor, and use the thumbtacks to fasten it at the corners and sides so it doesn't move around during the ritual.

Next, carefully take the flan off of its plate, being mindful not to smoosh it in any way, and place it in the exact center of the blanket. If it's off by even an inch, it's not lucky at all, and you'll just have a flan on a blanket in your living room, nothing more. Once you've placed the flan, you're ready to start the ceremony. Put that blindfold on and get ready for some magic to happen.

Lay yourself down on the blanket, placing the back of your head directly on the center of the flan. As the weight of your head begins to smoosh the flan, don't fight it. It's all part of the process. Once your head has gone through the entire flan, let it rest there, and begin counting to 100 in your head.

When you've reached 100, sit up, remove the blindfold, and make your way to the bathroom. Once you're in the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror. Talk a long hard look. Really soak it all in.

See how ridiculous you look? That's about how ridiculous luck is.

Learn more about this author, Andy Paulo.
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