by Stephen Surgener

Created on: April 07, 2007   Last Updated: January 08, 2008

It has been nearly two years now. I've been back to that ER half a dozen times, on one occasion, though I tried, I had to have the staff put me in a different room. It was just too much to be that close to where she died. My Sweet Pea was such a beautiful child. She had this glow about her, even when she was being pissy. The funeral blew me away. Hundreds of people packed the small chaplet. I remember thinking how amazing it was she had touched so many lives in her short 8 years. The casket was so small. It wasn't right.

In has been nearly two years. The convulsions are still a part of my life, and it's hard to find work. On months when money's real tight, it's hard to feel like much of a man. The bipolar swings are doing better. But I guess too much has happened for my twins to want to be around me. I wish they were better able to understand, even though I know 16 is a hard enough age. Things seem to be working well at their mothers. Perhaps all that's left for me is to miss them. And I do... desperately.

It has been nearly two years. God has been good to me. Lord knows this world is taking it's toll, but the Father continues to poor out His blessing. Brother finally got his hip replaced. Now he can learn to walk on the prosthetic. I'm so glad he survived the accident. Even though we don't talk much these days, he's my brother, my friend, the one who knows me so well. I wonder how he's doing.

It has been nearly two years since a kiss on the head, and running hugs. Since giggles, and blue lips in the pool. Since motorcycle rides on the tank, running like the wind, and counting to 10 in a whisper, helping her take her medication late at night. Two years since "feet Sweet Pea feet". Sweet Pea had asthma, and went through so much in the time she was here. The Doctors, and testing, surgeries, and allergies. If that weren't enough she had pain in her legs, from tendons that didn't grow quite long enough.

I has been nearly two years... two years. Every day, step one is to open my eyes. Step two, remember to thank the Lord for what He has given. Step three, try.

I know many in the world today would rather hear tale of self determination, self drive, or self empowerment. But the fact is, I'm broken. Sweet Pea was not my flesh and blood relation, but none would be able to convince my heart of that; my love. On the heels of watching that tiny casket slowly descend below ground, my flesh and blood daughters buried me. What man posses any inner strength against such loss? No, I am truly broken, and it is good. A broken man sees clearly, having been freed from prides lies, and rationalizations. A broken man feels openly, knowing heartache itself cannot burry you. A broken man gives with compassion, now understanding the pain of this world. And it is a broken man who knows what is truly of value, having lost so much. Yes, God truly is good said the broken man, not just knowing, but accepting where it is his strength comes from.

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